Occupations that Make People Kill

House Painters: House painters, besides being drunks and part-time burglars, murder a LOT of people. Why? Because eggshell is just like cream which is just like snow which looks an awful lot like ivory which we checked and it matched the hat you like so I painted the WHOLE GODDAMNED HOUSE with it so you could look around for forty seconds and tell me it’s still the wrong shade…

Unemployed: To be a murderer, you need motive and opportunity. Being idle all day gives one the opportunity. As for motive, who DOESN’T have a motive to kill someone? Each of us has enough enemies to fill a football stadium with enough left over to sell hotdogs to those people…

Drug Dealers: When I think of drug dealers, I visualize cool, efficient business-like people whose last thoughts would be about violence; however, a few bad apples have tainted the field, probably with that rotten fruit odor bad apples are so known for. So many murders have been committed by drug dealers that there is talk of making  drugs illegal…

Landlord/landlady: Because they can use their copy of the key to enter someone else’s home, we’ve got opportunity. And, being landlords, they will do anything to avoid paying for repairs. Would they stoop so low as to kill? Well, a landlady murdered half of Lichtenstein to avoid putting a new screen on a storm door…

Soldier: When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. When you’ve been trained to kill, how else are you going to solve your problems? Ballroom dancing? Flossing? You might think that it is just a matter of not knowing who the real enemy is; but, maybe, besides the enemy on the battlefield, he’s found other enemies. He DOES have a right to a life outside of work, you know…

Housewife and Mom: Do not come between a cub and her young; Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; Bitches be crazy… okay, I’m out of adages. Wanna see firsthand why so many stay at home moms are killers? Just make the comment to one that her parenting might be slightly less than exactly perfect.

Catering: The logic is, they feed people… this provides them with enough karma to kill a few people while wearing a clown mask and mom’s wedding gown and still go to heaven.

Nurse: We think of nurses as white-clad angels of mercy when, in reality, they are just thugs in jumpsuits. They won’t hesitate to poison old people, poison young people and to poison the people that aren’t covered in the first two groups I mentioned. What makes nurses so mean? Doctors. But, they vent their anger on their patients because killing doctors is against the law.

Retirees: Let’s face it, most prisons are not nearly as depressing or degrading as your average old folks home. Given that choice, a senior citizen might end up killing someone that he likes just to improve his station.

Law enforcement: I’m not saying that a lot of cops kill people illegally because that’s a good way to get killed illegally by a cop…

4 thoughts on “Occupations that Make People Kill

    1. And, my ex-wife is a nurse…. I told her that I’d be including her, today…

      I got the idea when I was thinking about Ted Bundy working a suicide hotline so I did a little research. But, statistically, I’m sure your father didn’t kill anyone important…

      Liked by 1 person

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