Theme Restaurants for the Twenty-first Century

The Thing You Ate from Outer Space: Patrons eat freeze-dried MRIs and drink water processed from the urine of the people before them. Restrooms are adult diapers…


Darwin’s Diner: Weapons are handed to each customer, the doors are locked, lights are turned out. The winner gets to eat the losers…


Cold War Cafeteria: Diners eat secret messages on various flavors of paper spiced with special inks and washed down with vodka martinis. Friday night is the Judi Dench look-alike contest, which is at least better than having your hands broken.


The Gaydar Dish: Dance music and an ironic array of decorations is like catnip to the tragically hip and retroactively homosexual. Only serves brunch… 24 hours a day…


Just Like Home Cafe: Waiter comes to your table and encourages you to order the brisket. Cook comes out and complains that she works all day and the waiter can make his own goddamned brisket… also if the young female patron didn’t dress like a whore she might find a boyfriend that wasn’t a bum. Patrons then sit in awkward silence as the waiter orders pizza and the cook goes to her room to cry and throw stuff…


Le Middle-manager: Patrons sit at desks and eat a cold sandwich while sorting through spreadsheets. Dessert is refereeing an argument between an hysterical twenty-something MBA and a paranoid middle-aged male database programmer who thinks she’s been coming on to him.


Los Hombre Pac: Diners hurry through a maze eating Necco Wafers off the floor while being chased by waiters in variously colored shrouds. Occasionally, if you are fast enough, you also get a piece of fruit.


Anything Trendy: This week, duck poutine with mole sauce and wasabi beet essence frozen in liquid nitrogen and served with pop rocks. Next week, some other incongruous flavor-of-the-week monstrosity that looks intimidating and tastes like it came out of a sweaty clown’s ass…


The Smug Vegan: Lichen-based dishes served on bio-degradable plates and eaten with the hands. Beverages include oat-straw tea flavored with milk that dribbled naturally out of a sheep’s udder. Saturday nights, King of Vegans is chosen by a panel of self-satisfied, unbearably thin judges whose last bowel movements look like a Japanese kelp harvest.



The Trailer-park: Potted meat product, Vienna sausages and bologna combined as a hash with a wide range of Hostess products and Little Debbie snack cakes. So good, it’ll make you want to shoot your brother-in-law in the leg!

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