Lies I’ve Told to Get Sex

I agree. Avril Lavigne is a genius. There’s nothing I like better than a weekend of white-water rafting. You did your Master’s thesis on Jane Eyre? How interesting! If anything, those jeans make your butt look smaller. My chief concern is that I will fall in love with you. Why would I want to listen […]

My Idyllic Childhood

My mother often cursed the day that I was born; but, she assured me that she was cursing that day long before I was conceived. In fact, she wanted to change her “curse-day”, but she had no issues with any other day of the year. I told her that I understood and she went back […]

Ideas

Ham, bacon and egg breakfasts made from incestuous animals. Call it, “Breakfast Inbred”. Still no response from Denny’s. A car that runs by draining the batteries of the cars all around it. Can call it, “The Mother-in-Law”… A television crime drama starring Fiona Apple as a detective who solves crimes by banging random chords out […]

Quirks I Wish I Didn’t Have

I can’t bring myself to check my mail for weeks. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I’m sure that I’ll know it when I see it. I talk to deaf people; that is, when I talk to someone, say in an elevator, and he shakes his head and says, “I’m deaf”, I keep […]

Ways in Which I Preemptively Judge Others

Height: Short people have a greater proclivity to suffer from a Napoleonic Complex which involves eating a lot of puff pastry with cream in it. Color: The lighter someone’s skin color is, the more likely they can wait outside my house, next to a snow bank, and catch me unawares. You may think that I’m […]