My Idyllic Childhood

  • My mother often cursed the day that I was born; but, she assured me that she was cursing that day long before I was conceived. In fact, she wanted to change her “curse-day”, but she had no issues with any other day of the year. I told her that I understood and she went back to drawing devil-horns on all of my baby pictures.
  • My earliest memory was of being told to forget what I just saw…
  • When my mother would read to me, she would often use my name in place of the verbs. Sometimes, she’d also replace the nouns, prepositions and articles and just chant my name in a low voice until I pretended to fall asleep.
  • Mom would cut up my meat for me and say, in a chirpy voice, “Another piggy dies so that my Charlie can get fat”
  • My first dog was very very bow-legged and had only three legs. On reflection, it was probably a tricycle.
  • Often, we would play “peek-a-boo”. For three months my mother kept her hands over her face and refused to peek, causing me to doubt my existence…
  • We were forbidden to swear. I once spoke a phrase that was an anagram of two swear words and the name of a state capital and I was punished by having to watch while my headboard was spanked.
  • My first experience of death was at my grandmother’s funeral when I pushed my cousin into traffic.
  • My first religious experience was watching my parent’s crucify a bunny one Easter.
  • After my brother was born, my parents took me aside and told me that my position “had been filled”.
  • The Batman television series was a great favorite of mine. I identified strongly with the Commissioner Gordon character.
  • I had a Japanese nanny who taught me origami. I learned to make a beautiful crane out of a sheet of notebook paper. I found out later that, if you unfold a real crane, what you end up with will get you sent to a psychiatrist.
  • My second religious experience was when an angel came to me late one night. It told me that I should never lose hope and that life was beautiful. Then, it raped me and told me it would kill me if I told anyone.
  • My first allowance was a quarter a week. My rent, however, was thirty cents a week. I still owe my parents six thousand dollars…
  • I grew up on a farm where I learned responsibility and that a horse will bite off a toe if given a chance.
  • My parents bought me a handicapped Slinky: It wouldn’t walk down stairs without a ramp.
  • The cereal that I ate the most as a child was non-English Alphabits which later turned out to be dry cat food.
  • My mother refused to talk to me until I took back every somersault that I ever performed.
  • My parents put my first drawing on the refrigerator, then, when the fridge broke, the blamed my “crappy drawing”.

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