Ham, bacon and egg breakfasts made from incestuous animals. Call it, “Breakfast Inbred”. Still no response from Denny’s.
A car that runs by draining the batteries of the cars all around it. Can call it, “The Mother-in-Law”…
A television crime drama starring Fiona Apple as a detective who solves crimes by banging random chords out of a piano until the universe teleports the perpetrator into a jail cell on the condition that she stop doing that.
A Terry Gilliam-directed version of The Glass Menagerie with Brad Pitt as the nightmarish soul-eating glass catheter and Annette Benning as the wise doctor with a horse skull for a head.
A special Neapolitan ice cream with poisoned strawberry, poisoned chocolate and a vanilla section with the antidote.
A cable channel to be watched on split screen with one of the jewelry shopping channels where someone calmly and rationally tries to talk you out of your idiotic purchase.
Pythons specifically bred to perform fellatio.
A datebook that gives its owner a powerful shock when they “flake”.
Antacids flavored to taste like foods that give you heartburn.
Sweetened Super-condensed Milk: One hundred and forty gallons compressed into an eleven-ounce can that weighs as much as a Dodge pickup truck. Could be useful when you need to make cookie bars for an entire town.
A starter’s pistol with a grappling hook for races up the sides of buildings.
Special lipstick and rouge for those occasions when you want your horse to look like a slut…
Cross-training Cross Crosses: Crucifixes for athletes who get angry that they have nothing to pray to while cross-training.
A van made out of fluoroscopes so people can see what is on the other side.
A feature length Roadrunner cartoon with Brad Pitt as the nightmarish soul-eating glass catheter and Annette Benning as the wise doctor with a horse skull for a head. Terry Gilliam could direct…
A pacemaker kill-switch for when the conversation gets just that unbearable…
