Quirks I Wish I Didn’t Have

  1. I can’t bring myself to check my mail for weeks. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I’m sure that I’ll know it when I see it.
  2. I talk to deaf people; that is, when I talk to someone, say in an elevator, and he shakes his head and says, “I’m deaf”, I keep talking as if that person can hear me until we separate.
  3. I still worry about the raccoon that snuck up on me at the bus stop and tried to steal my briefcase.
  4. If I buy a book of sudoku puzzles, I won’t stop solving them I’m too tired to see or I soil myself.
  5. There’s a separate personality in me that makes blueberry muffins, even if the main personality doesn’t want me to make them.
  6. I get anxious listening to my heat-pump. I get anxious also when it doesn’t run for a while and I think that it should’ve come on…
  7. If I invent and fantasize about a particular woman for a few weeks straight, then, start fantasizing about a totally different woman, I feel like a heel.
  8. I feel that glaucoma tests are karmic retribution for all those times I blew into my dog’s face to watch her sneeze.
  9. I am perpetually sick of ranch dressing.
  10. I don’t like to change the channel when a black woman or mixed-race couple are on the screen because I feel like someone will know and hold it against me…

 

 

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