Ways in Which I Preemptively Judge Others

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  1. Height: Short people have a greater proclivity to suffer from a Napoleonic Complex which involves eating a lot of puff pastry with cream in it.
  2. Color: The lighter someone’s skin color is, the more likely they can wait outside my house, next to a snow bank, and catch me unawares. You may think that I’m over-reacting, but if you had the power to turn invisible in the winter time, you’d find an excuse to use it, too…
  3. Religion: Anyone who believes in a supreme being, and that being is not me, cannot be trusted.
  4. Football Team: If you support the Oakland Raiders, you should be put in a prison cell proactively before you inevitably rob a liquor store.
  5. Marital Status: Single people cannot be trusted due to the fact that they often knowingly fornicate with married people. The ones that fornicate without knowing it should also be closely watched…
  6. Race: Any person who does not measure up to the stereotypes of their ethnicity are just trying to lull you… outside… by that snowbank over there…
  7. Musical Tastes: “I only listen to dance music and I also just scored impossibly low on my IQ test”, is a phrase I hear far too often.
  8. Age: Young people don’t smell like anything. If my dog doesn’t trust them, why should I?
  9. Political Party: If your political party incorporates religion and that religion is not me, it sucks and is anti-American.
  10. Education: Never trust a man who talks incessantly about world history. Because people who study history ARE doomed to repeat it… ad nauseum…

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