In Praise of Younger Women

With younger women, there is far less likelihood of a conversation about her clogged bile duct. A younger woman can use your rambling, go-nowhere stories of your youth in her history class. Younger women make great “trophy wives”; but, never EVER have one engraved. A young girlfriend destroys the confidence of your ex-wife to the […]

Before Sex We Should…

This one is from a Twitter tag. Before Sex We Should… Make sure our parents aren’t siblings. Strictly define what the word “orgasm” means. Warn each other about anything grotesque about our bodies… Exchange next-of-kin information Come clean about any fetishes either of us has involving barbecue sauce or throwing knives. Be certain neither […]

Some Cruel Truths about Sadism

A sadist is simply someone who gets sexually excited over the same thoughts that most of us have. Sociologist have determined that, if you don’t meet four people you’d like to torture BEFORE you even get to work in the morning, you probably work from home. Sadists are important in the scheme of things: […]

Painful Realizations about Masochism

If your teenage daughter is cutting herself, remember that it can be a sign of unaddressed depression; or, maybe an unconscious desire to become a surgeon. If her room has Marilyn Manson and Cradle of Filth posters, it is probably depression; if her room is decorated with unicorns and smiley faces, steer her towards the […]

Naked Sexual Positions of the Orient

Yes, this is an essay on false advertising… how did you know? Basically, all advertising is false advertising because it is, by its very definition, manipulation. If you’d wanted to buy the product already, there would be no need for advertising. Manufacturers found one of the great truths of nature: Instead of providing a better […]