Lies I’ve Told to Get Sex

I agree. Avril Lavigne is a genius. There’s nothing I like better than a weekend of white-water rafting. You did your Master’s thesis on Jane Eyre? How interesting! If anything, those jeans make your butt look smaller. My chief concern is that I will fall in love with you. Why would I want to listen […]

Medicine Eighty Years Ago

Alcoholism: The doctor would take the patient aside, put out his cigarette and scream at the patient, “STOP DRINKING, you homo! Or, are you too much of a homo to stop drinking?”. Note that, since homosexuality was considered a disease, the term “homo” was clinical. Note also that emasculation and homophobia were usually taught concurrently […]

Undulate

I’d really like to undulate but, due to my age or my weight that particular joy is closed to me (although it would be a sight to see) I could roll a bit despite being fat (although I’d need an incline to do that) So, I’ll sit still and will not act and, keep my […]

How is Salt Better than a Woman (or, Why I Need to Wake Up Completely Before Picking a Topic to Write About)

I talked to my ex, yesterday and that always releases the metachlorians of misogyny. So, at two-thirty this a.m., this topic wafted into my head and refused to leave. If I’ve offended anyone, I’m deeply and sincerely hungry… so, I’m going to post this and go make breakfast. Salt comes in three varieties: Regular, Kosher […]

Things You Should Give Up if You Want to be Successful

Failure Discontinue getting financial advice from people who run out the back when the doorbell rings. Anything that doesn’t help you towards your goal should be stopped. This includes being nice to others and shooting heroin… unless your goal is to be an amiable opiate-addict… Give up breakfast. They say breakfast is the most important […]