Things You Should Give Up if You Want to be Successful

Failure Discontinue getting financial advice from people who run out the back when the doorbell rings. Anything that doesn’t help you towards your goal should be stopped. This includes being nice to others and shooting heroin… unless your goal is to be an amiable opiate-addict… Give up breakfast. They say breakfast is the most important […]

My Idyllic Childhood

My mother often cursed the day that I was born; but, she assured me that she was cursing that day long before I was conceived. In fact, she wanted to change her “curse-day”, but she had no issues with any other day of the year. I told her that I understood and she went back […]

Ideas

Ham, bacon and egg breakfasts made from incestuous animals. Call it, “Breakfast Inbred”. Still no response from Denny’s. A car that runs by draining the batteries of the cars all around it. Can call it, “The Mother-in-Law”… A television crime drama starring Fiona Apple as a detective who solves crimes by banging random chords out […]

Quirks I Wish I Didn’t Have

I can’t bring myself to check my mail for weeks. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I’m sure that I’ll know it when I see it. I talk to deaf people; that is, when I talk to someone, say in an elevator, and he shakes his head and says, “I’m deaf”, I keep […]

Ways in Which I Preemptively Judge Others

Height: Short people have a greater proclivity to suffer from a Napoleonic Complex which involves eating a lot of puff pastry with cream in it. Color: The lighter someone’s skin color is, the more likely they can wait outside my house, next to a snow bank, and catch me unawares. You may think that I’m […]