Random Thoughts

If any vegetable deserved super-hero status, it would be cabbage. Problem is, what would its public identity be? Beets? Don’t make me laugh… Scientists have found a way to engineer a beef substitute out of soya beans, anise and wood cellulose. Now, they are frantically working on a way to genetically engineer a person stupid […]

Ways I’d Like to Die

Being shot out of a cannon and into a second cannon. While trying to teach a grizzly bear the ways of physical love Lynched by a mob of angry Laurel and Hardy impersonators. An example of a “senseless crime”… I want to be dropped from a plane while skydiving but my chute doesn’t open. Frantically, […]

People Who Don’t Deserve Fame

Albert Einstein: So, using only a notebook and a pencil you proved the previous two thousand years of physics was completely wrong by a tiny tiny unmeasurable bit? How does it feel to be famous for being a nit-picking prig? I’d treat Einstein with more reverence if he’d come up with a theory that I […]

Flowers That I Hate

Lily: Lilies are very unpleasant: They look as if someone were trying to construct a flower, tore up the top part and tried to cover up for it by gluing penises into the center. They are a second-rate flower as evidenced by the fact that, historically, they’ve mostly been given to the dead. Daisy: […]

Touching… What is Appropriate?

Elbow: The elbow is to the human body what Amarillo is to the United States: Something dry, hard and unpleasant looking, but no one is going to be too bothered if you linger there. It is a useful spot to touch on elderly relatives that you really don’t want to touch anywhere; in fact, when […]