How to Get Mexico to Pay for the Wall

Hire a shill to pretend to want to buy the wall at ten times the value. When Mexico pays for the wall, the shill disappears. Because he’s trouble with a capital ‘T’ that rhymes with ‘P’… Or, tell Mexico that Bolivia has its eye on it and is coming over to buy it RIGHT NOW. […]

Do You Have a Gambling Problem?

Do you list “Las Vegas” as a dependent on your taxes? When your father gets sick do you try to get odds on his recovery? Is gambling interfering with your work and your work is treating gambling addiction? Do you try to recover gambling losses by gambling? And, when you get caught, do you try […]

Some Cruel Truths about Sadism

A sadist is simply someone who gets sexually excited over the same thoughts that most of us have. Sociologist have determined that, if you don’t meet four people you’d like to torture BEFORE you even get to work in the morning, you probably work from home. Sadists are important in the scheme of things: […]

Painful Realizations about Masochism

If your teenage daughter is cutting herself, remember that it can be a sign of unaddressed depression; or, maybe an unconscious desire to become a surgeon. If her room has Marilyn Manson and Cradle of Filth posters, it is probably depression; if her room is decorated with unicorns and smiley faces, steer her towards the […]

Ort!

How is it that “spook” and “fry” don’t sound at all alike but are spelled completely differently? Why is it that the same people that quote biblical scripture are some of the same people who have functioning kidneys and lungs? I tried my hardest to get the trophy for “Laziest” but that disqualified me. They […]