Christmas Gifts No One Wants

A shock collar for a boa constrictor. A bottle of glue with a “My Little Pony” on the label. Hepatitis. Twelve year old scotch tape. A five dollar coupon for a gift certificate. Meth-head Barbie and her Malibu dream dumpster. A coin collection comprised of pennies from the last ten years. A glow-in-the-dark enema […]

My Love for Vegetarians Knows No Bounds

Vegetarianism can be traced back to Pythagoras, who only ate bread, veggies and a little honey. It didn’t catch on because people weren’t aware of the strong link between being a mathematician and being a nutritional scientist. Vegetarianism can also lead to weight-loss, which might be some comfort considering that you will no longer be […]

Genetic Achievements for a Better Tomorrow

Use gene splicing to create a cat with the loyalty of a dog, the personality of a dog and the body of a dog. Engineer all new babies to be able to change their own damned diapers. Genetically modify cattle to fall into easily butchered parts when a secret word is uttered aloud in its […]

Acceptable Times to Free-Associate

When you are a keynote speaker at a deconstructionist’s convention. During a psychotherapy session. This includes de facto sessions such as when you mindlessly prattle on to the person in the next cubical. When you are caught by a loved one in a big lie. If free-associating doesn’t confuse them, they might assume you […]

Uses For a Sharpie You’ve Never Heard of

Permanent eye-liner so that one might look like the guy from the Cure… or Jack Sparrow… or Amy Winehouse. The list goes on and on… and then it stops kind of abruptly. Drawing melanoma on your body. Why? Dermatologist waiting rooms chock full of Southern Living magazines. Drawing mustaches on women’s faces in ads. […]