Give Me Liberty or Give Me Random Thoughts

I’ve got a computer virus where, if I click on a porn site, it shows me instead an image of Hugh Hefner stabbing the Virgin Mary. I’d get the virus removed but it’s kind of a turn-on… My biggest fear is that everything that can happen will finally happen, God will yell, “Bingo!” and the […]

Waiting to See the Doctor? Here are Some Tips:

[This one came from an idea from Deb Whittam. She has my profound thanks] Unlike prison, you don’t need to find the biggest patient in the waiting room and knock him out. If you keep guessing sequentially, until you hit on a legitimate health insurance number, someone will know that something is up. The woman […]

More Hurricane Tips

If authorities tell you to evacuate, EVACUATE! No house is more important than your life, unless that house has both a hot tub and a fireman’s pole. Many religious leaders see hurricanes as a punishment for gays and gay-acceptance. If a hurricane might be headed your way, hedge your bets by asking your homosexual neighbors […]

I Don’t See the Glass as Half-Empty

Capitalist: I see the glass as a marketable pessimism-detector. Republican: I see the glass as lazy and not living up to its full potential. I will no longer support this half-full glass and its Islamic/Hispanic friends with my tax dollars… Salesman: I see the glass as twice as good as a quarter full. Lawyer: I […]

I Haven’t Been Wasting My Life! I’ve Been…

Building a collection of pig embryos that look like famous sumo wrestlers. Recycling children’s tricycles into weapons with extraordinary killing power. Teaching dogs to play dead REALLY well, then collecting the insurance. Writing a book about a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the elite live underground and write stories about a post-post-apocalyptic future where bands of motorcyclists […]