Lessons Learned from The Crow

During their off hours, criminals engage in spirited bullet-eating contests. Heroin addicts think birds are funny. Each engagement ring is a life… a life THEY helped destroy. I’m not referring to the scene in the pawn shop. Just venting… If they’d buried Eric Draven upside down, he’d be digging halfway to China about now. Criminal […]

Indications That You Will Almost Certainly Fail

There is doughnut glaze and Cheetoh dust all over your workout DVD. You notice that your boss has a pink slip filled out with everything but his signature. The guy giving you a driving test has a stress-induced coronary during the test. You’ve asked out a girl who is frowning at you, wearing a wedding […]

Tips for a Good Night’s Sleep

Diet is very important for a good night’s sleep: If you are having trouble getting to sleep, maybe you aren’t eating enough sleeping pills… Exercise is also important. If you cannot sleep, punish your body with push-ups and sit-ups. If that doesn’t make your brain take notice, start with the cutting… you know THAT’S what […]

Sideshow Freaks Who Completely Missed the Point

Gabriel, the World’s Heaviest Anorexic: At one hundred and eighty one pounds, Gabriel Martinez was not impressive as a fat man; but, as a man who had a phobic terror of food and calories, he was a pretty hefty guy. People could pay extra and peer into his trailer to watch him not eating his […]

How to Avoid Being Buried ALIVE

[Many historical figures were terrified of being buried alive. Among them was author Edgar Allan Poe who, as you know, was not prone to morbid thoughts… Here is how to avoid being buried alive:] Die. Have your body left out for the vultures as some of the Tibetans do. If you are alive, your screams […]