The Only Good Reasons to Own Snakes

No one pays attention to your tattoos and piercings any more. Sometimes you just need the love, affection and caring that can only come from a cold-blooded reptile with a brain the size of a watch battery. You live in a trailer-park in Florida and just want to fit in. Escaped boas and pythons breeding […]

How They Could’ve Avoided a Government Shutdown

Make wages of congressional representatives inversely proportional to how stupid they are acting. Any representative who offers an amendment that kills more than ten Americans will be bikini-waxed. Lock the doors and begin flooding the chamber. Show congressmen films of functioning congresses so they can better understand what one looks like… […]

What Asian Women Like and Why

As a socially inert middle-aged man, I occasionally have to look at the nude ladies on the internet. Not porn, mind you… I just need to keep up with women’s bodies just in case I ever decide to start dating again. You never know when something is going to be moved, shaved or tattooed, so […]

Guaranteed Effective Sanctions Against North Korea

They will be forced to keep Dennis Rodman North Korea will be limited to arresting and torturing no more than six westerners a year. North Korean Ambassador can only address UN while not wearing pants. Any world power caught dealing financially with North Korea will be condemned in a private ceremony held in an undisclosed […]

The Pope Went to Chile and All We Got Was this Lousy Bishop

The Pope recently went to Chile. Normally, when a public figure goes to Chile, it is either because Uruguay is full, or because they’ve already visited every other nation in the world; however, in this case, the Pope had a reason for visiting Chile: He wanted to apologize. Now, you may ask, “What is a […]