The Pope Went to Chile and All We Got Was this Lousy Bishop

Pope Francis on Karaoke Airlines

The Pope recently went to Chile.

Normally, when a public figure goes to Chile, it is either because Uruguay is full, or because they’ve already visited every other nation in the world; however, in this case, the Pope had a reason for visiting Chile: He wanted to apologize.

Now, you may ask, “What is a man who is considered “infallible” doing apologizing?”. Well, according to church doctrine, the Pope isn’t ALWAYS infallible… only in his teachings. Apparently, his administrative and hiring skills are VERY fallible. Take Bishop Juan Barros for example. As a young man, he defended his boss, Father Fernando Karadima, on charges of pedophilia made in a letter from a group of Chilean parishioners in 1984. Did Barros use church dogma in his defense of Karadima? He did not. Did he use a brilliant and subtle defense based upon international law and the United Nations? Not hardly. His approach was more to TEAR THE LETTER UP before anyone important saw it. This is called the “stopgap approach”…

Well, Bishop Barros was transferred to Chile in 2015, and the Chileans didn’t like it one bit. Frankly, I don’t see why they are reacting so strongly because Juan Barros is only a child molester by proxy. Is a man who protects child-molesters always a child-molester? No, but you WILL see one or two child-molesters at any of his Super Bowl parties. You see, Chileans have long memories due to the fact that they are living on a fault line. Everything remains vivid and categorized by how many devastating earthquakes ago it was. The phrase, “A Chilean Never Forgets” is just as true now as it was when I made it up just seconds ago…

But, here’s the problem: The Catholic church is losing followers in Chile. And, I don’t mean “losing them” in the same way that Pinochet “lost” people. What I mean is, there are fewer and fewer of them identifying themselves as Catholic

Hell, there have even been bombs found in the churches with threatening notes to the Pope. No one has claimed responsibility… which is a shame because that saves a LOT of time for the police. One even threatened to put a bomb in the Pope’s pants, which I think is hitting below the belt…

Anyway, the Pope is very very sorry and it will never happen again and remember how he stood up for you guys during Pinochet’s violent rule. No? Just six devastating earthquakes ago…?  How quickly they forget.

So… We’re good… right?

I have a better solution than an apology. Alabama almost elected a man who may not have been a pedophile; but, if he stood next to a pedophile, you’d be hard-pressed to see a difference. In his thirties, he actively courted high school girls. I entered this into my “creep-o-meter” and it registered a solid ten. AND, he received 48.5 percent of the vote in his run for the US Senate.  So, assign Juan Barros to Alabama. Once they find out about the pedophilia, the number of Catholics in Alabama might actually increase. If you could find a bishop who also engaged in bestiality, you might get such a following that you end up moving the Vatican to Montgomery.

Because, as a rule, it isn’t what horrible thing you’ve done, or who you’ve done it to; it’s LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION…

4 thoughts on “The Pope Went to Chile and All We Got Was this Lousy Bishop

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