What to have on Television at Holiday Dinner with In-Laws

Die Hard: An epic action movie about an international terrorist prick who plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with an American prick in the form of Bruce Willis. You’ve seen it a million times and it serves well during those periods of awkward silence after your wife’s cousin has finished talking about his […]

The Reindeer at a Glance

Dasher: Despite his name, Dasher is not the fastest of Santa’s team… nor is he the strongest. He was a Marine in the Pacific theater of WWII. Hired after he pulled St Nick into a foxhole during an ill-advised Christmas visit to Guadalcanal; and, Santa Claus feels that he “owes him”. Other reindeer think of […]

Evil Charities that Piggyback on Other Charities

Habitat Against Humanity: Average people get together to build crack-houses, black-ops prison camps and crooked retirement homes for those who are obviously less fortunate. Salvation Coast Guard: Pretty much the same as the Salvation Army except can only operate a dozen or so miles offshore. Please… give until we board and search your boat… March […]

All I Want for Christmas

An astronaut helmet that will fit a horse. A box of chocolate-covered sugar-free caramels. A stick that has two notches for each time I’ve carved a notch into it. A retirement plan that I can buy into with gravel and weeds. A six-speed sports car; three of those speeds must be neutral. A partridge in […]