Habitat Against Humanity: Average people get together to build crack-houses, black-ops prison camps and crooked retirement homes for those who are obviously less fortunate.
Salvation Coast Guard: Pretty much the same as the Salvation Army except can only operate a dozen or so miles offshore. Please… give until we board and search your boat…
March of Dogs: When the March of Dogs comes to your door, please give them as many dogs as you can afford. Each dog you give will bring us that much closer to a cure for birth defects… although we are not sure how…
The Louse Bank: Lice are bred and cultivated so that those who don’t live in squalid conditions can still experience lice infestation in their scalps and pubic regions.
The United Way to Tighter Abs: Money given to this organization will be used to firm and tone the tummies of poor children in Africa, Asia, South America and Wisconsin.
Feel the Children: Roy Moore founded this charity back when he was just a lawyer struggling to make a name for himself while not getting arrested.
Break a Wish Foundation: Destroying the expectations of dying children since 2005. Each year they get thousands of requests: Disney World, meeting actors, trips to far-away lands. And, each year, Break a Wish fulfills none of them.
Jewish Offense League: Insulting the Judaic community isn’t cheap. Please give until you plotz.
The American Civil Liberties Onion: Providing legal advice for onions, shallots, chives and leeks.
Big Bothers: Not every child has an annoying pest with which he can interact on a regular basis. Big Bothers is a network of passive-aggressives, rageaholics and narcissists who waste the time of underprivileged children for just a few hours a week. Please… give until the Feds shut us down.