All I Want for Christmas

jolly-old-saint-nickAn astronaut helmet that will fit a horse.
A box of chocolate-covered sugar-free caramels.
A stick that has two notches for each time I’ve carved a notch into it.
A retirement plan that I can buy into with gravel and weeds.
A six-speed sports car; three of those speeds must be neutral.
A partridge in a pear tree…with a back-up partridge for when the first one dies of pneumonia.
Ocean spray cranberry juice cockfight: All the vitamin C you need, plus blood and feathers.
I’d like to own an already occupied funeral plot.
A Rick James version of the Bible. “I’m Abraham, bitch!”
A baseball signed by Oscar Wilde.
A satellite radio; and, the means to launch that radio into a geosynchronous orbit.
A bottle of bacon-flavored vodka with a bottle of egg-flavored vermouth…for a dandy breakfast martini…
A coupon for IHOP that can only be redeemed at Denny’s.
A pony’s torso and a rug shampooer.
A Navajo to Ebonics dictionary.
An Ouiji board with letter tiles so I can play Scrabble with dead relatives.
A Swiss army wife: Beautiful, dangerous, handy with a toothpick and capable punching a small hole in leather.

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