Random Thoughts, Part the Third

Turns out, The Vagina Monologues is NOT a ventriloquist act. ֎֎֎ They called it a “Wake” but by the end, I could barely keep my eyes open. ֎֎֎ You always sound smarter if you use the words “Crimean” or “Symbiotic”. ֎֎֎ If you named your son “Jeff”, you weren’t really trying very hard. ֎֎֎ There […]

Tips for Cold and Flu Season

Sterilize your home and office with rubbing alcohol. Then sterilize the bottle you keep the rubbing alcohol in. Think of the entire world as one giant germ and yourself as the world’s largest petri dish… . Stay home. If you are like tens of millions of Americans, you earn zero hours of sick time for […]

Remarkably Folksy Advice My Great Grandpappy Gave Me

The Lord loves a working man; but, for some reason, he gives the best cars to the idle rich. . Any problem seems more solvable when you’ve got matches and a can of gasoline. . Women like a proud and confident man; that way, after they break his spirit, they can look back on a […]

Proof that God does NOT Smoke Pot

Robin Williams once offered the platypus as proof that God smokes dope. I’m here to say that God doesn’t and I offer the following proof. No female of any species gives birth to pregnant young. The sky is all one color. Cheech and Chong are still not our benevolent overlords. Elevators […]

Pickup Lines that have Always Failed Me

I’d like to do a tarot reading for you but I’ll need a drop of your blood or saliva. . Wanna come back to my place and listen to Devo while I teach you how to buy real estate with no money down? . I’ve never told anyone this, but I poisoned a horse once. […]