Occupations that Make People Kill

House Painters: House painters, besides being drunks and part-time burglars, murder a LOT of people. Why? Because eggshell is just like cream which is just like snow which looks an awful lot like ivory which we checked and it matched the hat you like so I painted the WHOLE GODDAMNED HOUSE with it so you […]

Finally! An EPA I Can Get Behind!

I was relieved to see that the EPA is finally learning from its mistakes: Protecting the environment leads to nothing but trouble. Problem is, we’re protecting it and, at the same time, the environment is throwing hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes and tidal waves at us. Why are we protecting something that clearly wants us dead? […]

Theme Restaurants for the Twenty-first Century

The Thing You Ate from Outer Space: Patrons eat freeze-dried MRIs and drink water processed from the urine of the people before them. Restrooms are adult diapers… Darwin’s Diner: Weapons are handed to each customer, the doors are locked, lights are turned out. The winner gets to eat the losers… Cold War Cafeteria: […]

Proof that God does NOT Smoke Pot

Robin Williams once offered the platypus as proof that God smokes dope. I’m here to say that God doesn’t and I offer the following proof. No female of any species gives birth to pregnant young. The sky is all one color. Cheech and Chong are still not our benevolent overlords. Elevators […]

Let Chaos Reign!!!

Chaos is from the Greek entity, “Kaos”, something which was not a god, but existed before time. Along with Kaos were Lux (light), Nox (night or darkness) and Sly (Sylvester Stallone). It refers to a time when, as the Bible would say, “…the earth was without form…”. Note that I only used five consequetive words […]