I Want You Back!

Dear Angelina,

You are right to be angry with me. When I promised you the “sun and the moon”, I really over-extended myself. Just like when I promised that I’d love you, forever. As you pointed out, I am indeed mortal, with a lifespan of roughly seventy-five years and I had literally no business making a claim like that. I am sincerely sorry.

And, my comment on your not being a virgin was not meant in any way as an insult. I understand that women are more sexually active than they used to be. Sex with you was wonderful… although also very professional and efficient. I wasn’t upset when you hollered out, “Next!” but I was startled. It’s amazing how many times being startled is mistaken for anger. Remember that I adore your body and many of your interesting and disturbing tattoos.

I suppose that I should bring up that incident with your parents. First, it wasn’t that I didn’t WANT to give your father my car; it’s just that I need it to travel to and from work. I don’t think his request was out of line. He needed a car and asked me for mine. Perfectly understandable. I do, however, think his pulling a knife on me crossed some sort of line.

For a meth-addict, your mom seemed pretty coherent and was even insightful sometimes. I understand that she’d been awake for forty-eight hours when she told me that General Dynamics had taken her children from her as embryos and raised them to be Mormons. When I said, “That’s nuts”, it was meant as an endearment, like “oh, you!” and “did you just stab me?”…

I do take issue with your complaint that I came unannounced to your workplace. I didn’t know that you worked on that corner, to start with. At the time, I felt our relationship has progressed to the point that I could acknowledge you when I saw you. I understand now that a lot of your clients thought that I was a “narc”. I will try to loosen up so that, next time, I don’t come across as an authority figure. And, now that I know where you work, I will do my best to give you your “space”.

But, you CAN’T ignore the fact that we ARE compatible. You said yourself that we both like to drink Dr. Pepper; and, both our fathers are veterans… mine from the U.S. Navy and yours from the Symbionese Liberation Army. I like to make funny quips about things and you like to call police officers “fucksticks”. I think we are meant to be together.

Sincerely,

Charlie

P.S. That thing you did in regards to my kidney is forgotten… ancient history…