Things I Hate that are Green

Posted on by masercot

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Limes:  Lemons’ uglier more bitter brothers.  Limes taste pretty bad so they are only used to make something that tastes worse than a lime, taste as good as a lime.  And, in that respect, it works for things like Margaritas and Mexican beer.  Also, it keeps you from tasting the keys in a key-lime pie…

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Kermit the Frog:  Soft spoken, self-deprecating de facto leader of the Muppets.  Nothing special about him except that he is sporadically sexually harassed by an oversexed sow, as many of us have been.  How did he get his job as leader?  Not by charisma, that’s for sure.  His father, Kermit Sr. was a mobster who had contacts in the entertainment industry… a great place to put a son who just couldn’t handle the family business.  He tried giving the business to Gonzo but he was shot one hundred times at a toll booth…

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Bonsai Trees:  Serial killers often claim that they hear voices and have no control in the killing of their victims.  That’s pretty much me with bonsai trees, except the voices say things like, “Don’t buy another bonsai tree” and “Put that back, now!”.  I’ve accidentally killed so many bonsai trees that the Japanese embassy has a restraining order against me.

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Edamame:  All the fun of peeling away a tough husk with the reward being peas.

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St. Patrick’s Day Beer:  Green beer is like the worm in a bottle of Mezcal:  Neither is going to get you any drunker but consuming either is a great indicator of how drunk you are.  As the late night vomiting begins, you have what looks like dozens of Linda Blair impersonators walking the streets.

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Ireland:  Yeah, the Emerald Isle… HOW I HATE IT!  Mostly because of the Samuel Beckett novels that they made me read in college; but, a little because that stupid accent attracts all women within earshot.  That makes me so mad that I violated my rule against using the word “earshot”…

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Grass Snake:  The grass snake is non-venomous… so it kills its prey by poking its head out, surprising and stopping the heart of the poor idiot who is weeding his mom’s vegetable garden…

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The Hulk:  I have insane violent rages and all it ever got me was a trip to the therapist.  Bruce Banner destroys buildings and he’s asked to join the Avengers.  That, in my opinion, is enabling or codependency or something.  I put my fist through the bathroom wall when they canceled Person of Interest… where’s MY Scarlett Johannson?

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Pork Chops:  Okay, they were too old to eat… but I contend that the mold on them might’ve cured some undiagnosed condition I might’ve had…

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The Gables that Anne was Under:  My father wanted me to read House of Seven Gables.  My mid-term memory being what it was, I read Anne of Green Gables, which was definitely NOT a waste of a week of my life.  My father’s Alzheimer’s kicked in before we could discuss either book and I am gabled out.  If anyone asks me to read another book with the word “gable” in the title, I’m going to hit them with a dead bonsai tree…

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23 thoughts on “Things I Hate that are Green”

      1. it will be published in February… not because I want it, but because I said that before. and I simply tired from this damn book – I have to push it out, in the WILD 😂 cuz I have to publish Absurd (book 2) before 1st April. So its kinda rush rush…
        ps. all I wanna do is nothing.
        eh, if ‘nothings’ could help me write books 😂 – I’d love it even more

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Published by masercot