Heroes: A Rant

Webster’s Dictionary defines hero as “a person admired for achievements and noble qualities”. In other words, actors, sports figures or politicians because, as far as famous people go, that’s pretty much all we have except for serial killers and fashion designers; and, I doubt Yves Saint Laurant ever killed a chimera or took down the walls of Troy…although I couldn’t watch him twenty-four hours a day. Let’s just say that the term has been watered down a bit.

Heroes of old were fictitious men who killed fictitious monsters… maybe a few real generals thrown in; but, Greeks and Romans had a complicated relationship with their non-fictional heroes. They might revere them for a while, but it was inevitable that they’d be executed, banished or stabbed to death by the Senate. Fictitious heroes were much easier to maintain because they never got caught walking out of a sketchy massage parlor. And, heroes didn’t always risk their lives: Characters like Seigfried and Achilles were invulnerable. It doesn’t strike me as very heroic to battle the forces of evil when you know they can’t hurt you. Reminds me of when I heroically told my wife that those jeans DID make her butt look big while she was fast asleep. Where is my parade?

Heroes, today, are far more mundane. Firemen are heroes, first-responders are heroes… nurses are heroes, despite the pain that they inflict on others. Seems like any occupation sung about on Sesame Street is brimming over with heroes. Are mail carriers heroes? Why not? They brave dogs and wind and rain and sleet and hail to leave your mail in your neighbor’s box by mistake. Now, your neighbor knows what magazines you subscribe to and won’t touch anything that he’s seen you touch…

Firemen are supposed to be heroes because they rush into burning buildings. I’ve been known to rush into buildings. The buildings that I rushed into weren’t on fire, but that just means I’ve got more common sense. The only firefighters I ever see have been at the grocery store, where I go at six in the morning to avoid crowds. Their truck takes up four spaces and they hold up the express lane buying the ingredients for one of their godless firefighter breakfasts. Yes, they “save” people… but, has anyone considered that, if the firemen hadn’t come, those people might have either saved themselves or just adapted to living in open flames? I, for one, would like to see a world without them because I’m tired of waiting behind someone buying three pounds of sausage and FROZEN PANCAKES.

Nurses are definitely not heroes. They are sadists who poke, prod, cut and stab anyone who makes eye contact. Every time I’ve been with a nurse, I’ve been cut or stuck with a needle… and this includes those nurses I was just with socially. Yes, they are risking their lives in treating Covid patients; but, what do they have to lose? If they die, considering their sadism, they are going to Hell… where they already have good jobs lined up, torturing the damned…

Database programmers are the real heroes. We keep information flowing at a brisk pace and we DO risk our lives, due to our sedentary lifestyles. Although, my heroism is diminished markedly by the fact that I’m losing a battle with a mouse or rat that is in my home. I’m not sure if he’s a big mouse or a small rat, but he’s survived a humane trap and I’m pretty sure the poison I left out makes up half of his caloric intake. I’ve ordered a package of the old-fashioned back-breaking traps. Yes, those traps are cruel, but lately I’ve had more jump-scares than the characters in a Friday the Thirteenth movie. But, Mr. Mouse does his job every day despite poison and traps, laughing, or maybe squeaking, at death… so maybe he’s the greatest hero of them all…

Where is his parade?