Attacks on English

“Your writing is a little repetitious”, said the guy who had just told me my writing was a little repetitious.

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My English teacher looked at me and said, “You don’t plan your sentences well”, he said, looking at me.

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I’ve come up with a synonym for “synonym”: “Word-doppelganger”

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I was up all night writing a paper on how lack of sleep degrades intellectual performance. My instructor said it was the worst thing he’d ever read. So, I got an ‘A’.

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A memoir is just an autobiography about someone who thinks he’s better than everyone else.

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Some great short story writers leave off the ending, allowing the reader to imagine what that ending might be. Other greats in that genre might start a story in the middle, leaving the reader to slowly infer what had happened before the story began. I leave off the beginning AND the end and let my readers imagine the entire story. This leaves me free to raise rabbits in hutches out back. It’s great fun… I even wrote a short story about it… although, I’ve been told it’s kind of vague.

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Using punctuation well shows that you respect your readers; so, if your intended audience is masochists, I recommend you leave out all commas and periods.

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“If”, the professor started, “you interrupt a quoted statement”, he tapped his pencil on the desk, “too often”, then paused for a moment, “your readers”, he said, flatly, “Will want to tear your”, he looked up, taking note of the time, “face off”

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We have automatic spell check and grammar check but we still don’t have a filter that keeps you from sending regrettable emails.

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It was only after I reached my late twenties that I started to rarely split infinitives.