It has been a while since I’ve written an all-hands general memo. Last month, I and the other executives, went to an intensive compressed one-week management training and I couldn’t write the memo because I contracted syphilis.
Summer is upon us again. Keep in mind, while you are out having fun, safety is still your number one concern. If you have a dog or cat in your car and the temperature is above ninety degrees outside, remember to crack the car window an inch or so and also to come back and baste the animal every fifteen minutes. Remember that the elderly are susceptible to heat stroke, so pay them a visit if that sounds like something you might enjoy seeing. To keep energy usage down, keep your thermostat high. A good rule of thumb is to turn the temperature up until your desire to live and complete apathy balance out.
We’ve noticed a lot of you are badging in for other employees. THIS IS AGAINST THE RULES! If you are caught doing this, you will be compelled to change identities with the other employee including salary, residence and sexual identity. This identity exchange will have a duration of six weeks… although that might be shortened once the class action lawsuits start pouring in.
Remember that betting is forbidden on company grounds. Our secretary races are mostly for the team-building and for its pageantry. Anyone caught betting on that event will be forced to exchange identities with the nearest waterfowl. Please show respect to the secretaries and their jockeys.
The company daycare that we promised you will be delayed while our lawyers familiarize themselves with slave labor statutes. Until it is completed employees may keep children two or younger under their desks. Older children can be kept in the employees’ cars provided you crack the window an inch or so and baste them every fifteen minutes.
Keep in mind that we are having performance reviews for the next two weeks. This is the time of year where those who work very hard for our firm will be aggressively ignored; and, promotions and pay raises will be given out to nephews and large-breasted interns. Be sure to fill out all questions in your review form just in case someone decides to read it.
That is all for this month. Remember that my door is always open; so, if you have a problem with the company, I’ll probably be able to hear to complaining about it to others…
Ron John Vaughn
V. P. Human Resources and Space Lasers