Love and other bad ideas, Pt one

Singles | The Daily Office

Love and Other Bad Ideas

  1. The Bloom of Love is Like a Visit to the Reptile House and All the Glass Cages are Broken…

Setting: A singles’ bar… I suppose. I’m not really sure what a singles’ bar is. I’m pretty sure that they cannot legally throw out married people, but maybe peer-pressure would force them to leave. Frankly, I think if you own a singles bar, you shouldn’t be able to file your taxes jointly… just like when you lose two fingers you should be forced to do everything in base eight numbering. Anyway, let’s suffice it to say that it was dark, there were a lot of people and I think liquor was being served…

I saw her across the crowded room. Crowded, yes, but she stood out… like a pork kidney on a new wedding dress. She was tall and blonde, which I don’t much care for… because blondes remind me of Edgar Winter Band, which reminds me of the rock ballad “Frankenstein”, which reminds me of Boris Karloff and then I get sad because he’s dead. Plus, blondes have more fun. I have less fun and I cannot help but blame blondes for that. I don’t like tall women, either, because it makes me mad to see someone having more fun watching a parade than I do. I knew she’d have a blonde name, like “Misty” or “Wyoming”; dark-haired girls have way cooler names… like “Edna” and “Patricia”…

We exchanged a glance. I could feel that glance working its way into my very soul, tempting me… seducing me… setting my entire soul on fire and then collecting the insurance, later. The men were all around her… four deep, three high and just two wide. The man she was talking to I took to be a lawyer. He looked like the kind of guy who might be abusive to those he considered beneath him. I felt the need to rescue her, but I’d been burned by women before… most recently when a woman threw her coffee at me…

Can a I get you something to drink?”, chirped my waitress.

Get lost, whore!”, I replied, and moved towards the blonde.

You might think I was being rude but I’m always brusque and even angry with strangers just in case they are related to Hitler or turning into a zombie. The blonde and I locked eyes again, then she demur-ly looked away. She wasn’t happy with the lawyer, I could tell. The look on her face was like the one I had after talking to a Rabbi about being buried in a Jewish cemetery only to find that I’d have to convert to Judaism and I’d also have to die. She looked like someone who’d been elected Queen of Creosote” and had just had her duties explained to her. She looked like something who’d just lost the “Most Apathetic” trophy to someone who just wanted it less. You know that look.

Get lost, loser!”, I almost said to the lawyer. If he’d noticed me there, he’d almost have been worried. When I got his attention for real, I told him, “Did you know there is a class-action lawsuit against SoloFlex?”. He had his cell phone to his ear before I even got to the end of the sentence. The blonde watched him go and thanked me with her eyes. With her mouth she said, “What the hell do you want?”.

I replied, “I’d like to buy you dinner”

She brushed the hair from her face and looked me over. I could hear what she was thinking: How can such an ugly hunchback be SO sexy? Or, something along those lines… I waited what seemed like ages for her to answer… although it turned out to be no more than forty-five minutes. She bit her lower lip and clenched her fist in relaxation, “Well, you tricked my fiance into leaving so, why not?”

[to be continued]

16 thoughts on “Love and other bad ideas, Pt one

      1. Phoenix???? I’m nearly finished my romance 😉. Well it’s as romantic as I’m going to get anyway. How’s Karen’s other breast going?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m hooked- you’re channeling one of my favorites, Raymond Chandler.
    “From thirty feet away she looked like a lot of class. From ten feet away she looked like someone better seen From thirty feet away.”

    Liked by 1 person

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