love and other bad ideas, pt four

My wife says I can have a girlfriend - but she has strict list of rules we  must follow' -

[Part One, Part Two and Part Three here]

You seem distant”, Simone tells me.

Nonsense”, I exclaim from the hallway, “I can still make out your hair color and general build from here”

Is something wrong?”

Something? EVERYTHING! I’m trapped, trapped like a rat in a trap or a deer in a sports car. My panic is such that I can barely breathe. So, I say,


But…?”, Simone prompts me.

It’s nothing, actually, but you know how, at the circus, they used to get elephants to balance on little balls. Well, imagine that ball is my chest; and, the elephant is two elephants”

You have a commitment problem—I know that; but, you still love me, right?”

I say, “Of course I–”

Don’t say it. I just shampooed the rug”

Well, I do”

I believe you”, she holds out her arms to me. “Come here, baby”, she says.

I walk to her like a toddler might and she holds my head to her breasts and makes soothing noises. The smell of perfume is intoxicating and the feel of her breasts is exquisite. You can make a lot of things feel like breasts, but if you start with breasts, you are more than halfway there.

We can do this”, Simone tells me.

Mrph”, I answer.

She holds me closer. I’m losing air while getting aroused. I suddenly understand how David Carradine felt. “We’re good together. You can’t deny that we are good together”

Mrph”, I respond.

It’s absolutely imperative”, she tells me, “That we are completely open and honest about our feelings in this relationship. I need to know that you love me, want me and want to stay with me. Can you commit to that?”

Mrph”, I reply.

Simone purred, “Good. That’s all I need to hear”…

Sex has come and gone and I feel no guilt; moreover, I do not contemplate. I feel a freedom from my anxieties and something a lot like happiness, but I cannot be sure. I want to tell Simone but something tells me not to. That something was the entire universe coming together to warn me. Complacency is bad.

What’re you thinking?”, she asks me.

I want to tell her that I could be with her forever. I could be her slave… I could be her dog, How to get your mojo back and increase sex drive - Chatelaine.comprovided she didn’t make me wear a shock collar. I want to tell her this but the entire universe again stops me, so I say,

No one knows how many sheep are in the world because, whenever researchers try to count them, they fall asleep”

That’s funny”

I will never understand why we name our dogs after aromatic spices like ginger, pepper and cinnamon; but, when left to their own devices, they smell like drainage ditches and cow shit”

I love the talking afterwards. It’s even better than the sex”

I was a little hurt by this, “Really? Is the sex that bad?”

She laughed the tiniest laugh, “Only sometimes. But, it’s always better than reading the paper or cutting out coupons”

Well, good”

I love you”

I love you, too” Simone flinched as if expecting a torrent of vomit, but none came. Either I’d finally resolved my commitment issues or I hadn’t eaten in two days. I was over it. It was time… time to open my heart. It was time to tell her that I was fully committed. So, I told her everything, although the entire universe saying “Nooooo!” was a little distracting. I told her then I lay down next to her, relaxed for the first time in weeks.

I’m bored”, says Simone…

Is Sexual Boredom Inevitable in a Long-term Relationship? | Psychology  Today United Kingdom

11 thoughts on “love and other bad ideas, pt four

  1. I suddenly understand how David Carradine felt. O good God did you really have to go there? So from now on, Love means being trapped “like a deer in a sports car.” If we can teach our young ones this, it would save a lot of suffering.
    But yeah. What a man won’t do for the feel of those warm soft breasts. Make us jump in that sports car every time…what brain?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s the problem: We live for ten years as our own bosses, then puberty kicks in and our genitals tell us what to do for the next fifty years. Then, we spend the next twenty missing the insanity…

      Liked by 1 person

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