Interview with Vin Diesel

[Deb asked for this one. I managed to get Terse Llama to interview the actor although she assured me that she didn’t want to]

Vin Diesel: Okay, I’m here. Let’s get this over with—what’s the matter?

Terse Llama: Sorry, but for a second I thought I was being attacked by a side of beef. Thank you for coming.

Vin Diesel: Thank YOU for threatening to set fire to my car if I didn’t.

Terse Llama: Just a metaphor, I assure you. So, first question: I understand you are taking a role in your next movie that will really help you stretch as an actor.

Vin Diesel: You mean, Fast and Furious 10?

Terse Llama: Sure, why not? I understand Michelle Rodriquez will also be in that movie. You two were once romantically involved. What happened?

Vin Diesel: I’m sure you’ve noticed that I have no personality or charisma. Michelle has the same problem. We worried that, if we had children, they’d be so forgettable they’d eventually starve due to lack of care.

Terse Llama: We ALL noticed, but we felt it would be unkind to make a big deal out of it. In your newest movie, you play a bald, laconic, muscle-bound jackass. Isn’t this the same character from XXX and Riddick?

VD: No! In Riddick my character was a bald, laconic, muscle-bound, jackass with severe light sensitivity. I spent a year preparing for the part by standing in a dark basement for a half hour and walking into a brightly lit kitchen.

TL: That must’ve been the most you’ve ever prepared for a role.

VD: I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t.

TL: And, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t being sarcastic. I think your biggest challenge as an actor was when you played a tree.

VD: Groot?

TL: No, I was referring to your part in Knockaround Guys. Did you prepare for it the way you normally prepare for a movie: Ask for an obscene amount of money and show up not knowing your lines?

VD: I was in Knockaround Guys? Well that would explain the guy in the movie who looks like me.

TL: So, illegal steroids? Well… let’s move along. Your critics say that–

VD: I don’t listen to critics!

TL: The only important opinion is your own, eh?

VD: No! I mean I can’t hear any sounds higher than 30 Hertz. I can hear whales talking right now, as we speak. Their language is beautiful.

TL: What are they saying?

VD: (pauses) They are saying… that I have no acting skills at all. On second thought, I HATE whales. I’m going to kill one in Fast and Furious 11. I just have to figure out a way to get one into a car…

TL: Speaking of revenge, is your six year feud with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson finally over?

VD: We agreed that creative differences shouldn’t impede our friendship.

TL: Creative differences such as…?

VD: Well, for one, he’s taller than I am.

TL: I get it.

VD: And, I don’t like that stupid single eye-brow raise thing he does. If I can’t do it, it can’t be natural.

TL: Like reading?

VD: Excuse me?

TL: Skip it.

VD: I may be slow, but I know when I’m being insulted.

TL: That remains to be seen. While pondering your unbelievably long career and the many movies you have been in, do you ever look back on the body of your work and say, “Yuck!”.

VD: I did once but I’d stepped on a disposable diaper while I was pondering. Frankly, I think my movies will be assigned viewing in college film courses, eventually.

TL: You heard it here: Vin Diesel predicts a bleak future… I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy who writes poetry for a girl.

VD: I SQUASH YOU NOW!!!!

TL: Good lord!

VD: No, that’s my newest poem… for my special lady.

TL: It’s an unusual title.

VD: No, that’s the whole poem. Very minimalist. Chicks dig minimalism…

TL: On that note–

VD: Although I was once involved with a girl who liked sonnets… but I could never come up with that many rhymes.

TL: We’ll end this–

VD: And, it wasn’t Michelle. Michelle liked watching me bang two rocks together. It was the cornerstone of our relationship. Hey! That’s kind of funny.

TL: The next time you see me–

VD: I had another broad who only liked couplets… not full-blown revolutions, just a tiny coup once in a while…

TL: I’ll be back to dispensing medical advice to my readers…