Why I Burned the Mall to the Ground

Philippines mall fire: Death toll goes up to 38

[I’ve been having trouble writing so you’ll get THIS and LIKE it]

Because I hate the word “kiosk”…

Old people spend their mornings walking in the mall rather than doing their job: Telling young people everything that is wrong with their generation.

Ever since the pet stores stopped selling puppies, I’ve spent my time in a futile attempt to bond with hamsters and tropical fish.

Bathrooms are always somewhere within a set of labyrinthine hallways. Once I encountered a Minotaur in one of those hallways and he was murderously angry because he couldn’t find the bathroom either.

I wanted to see how long, after the rest of the mall stopped burning, it would take for the candle store to go out.

I wanted to see if the firefighters would save the Sears before the J. C. Penny’s… or just laugh and dance as both of them burned to the ground…

Because, maybe, in the smoldering ashes, I might find a part of myself that has eluded me since I was a child… or wire hangers… you can never have enough wire hangers.

I found out Victoria’s Secret… she was smuggling intelligence documents to Russia and Belarus.

The wishing fountain is the heart of the mall. I dropped a quarter into it and, to this day, I haven’t gotten a single phone call from Jessica Alba.

I burned it down in hopes that they’d replace it with a forty acre alligator farm/petting zoo/prosthetic limb emporium…

16 thoughts on “Why I Burned the Mall to the Ground

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