A List You’ll Take Your Hat Off to

Visor: By strict definition, a hat covers the head. A visor goes out of its way not to do that. It’s perfect for someone with a grudge against hats or just someone with the sun in his eyes who needs to show the world his cow-lick. Don’t wear one of these unless you are in the LPGA or a mob accountant in an Edward G. Robinson movie.

Ball Cap: These are ubiquitous. They are cheap… even free, sometimes. Often there is advertising on them. A lot of people wear these. Why? I’d imagine when they decided it was time to start wearing a hat, one of these was within arm’s reach.

Fedora: What kind of shallow self-important prick wears one of these? Well, that would be me. But, in all fairness, I bought mine before they were popular and, if I had to give it up, it would have to wait in a foster home until it was adopted by another shallow self-important prick.

Stocking Cap: People who wear these as hats either have an intense Cosby Kids obsession or, if they live in Arizona or Florida, a heat stroke fetish..

Handkerchief: A lot of people think this makes them look gangsta but it just reminds me of the Gumbys from Monty Python.

Newsboy Cap: Perfectly appropriate if you are a fleshy multi-pierced vegan girl who doesn’t wear a bra. Anyone else wearing one will look like he got lost while trying to walk across Scotland and ended up in Atlanta, Georgia.

Stetson: If you have a pot belly and you want it to look as if you WANTED one, wear a Stetson and a big belt buckle. A LOT easier than trying to lose weight.

Wide-brimmed Hat: Orson Welles and Truman Capote made this type of hat popular. It became decidedly LESS popular when people realized that they did not want to be mistaken for Orson Welles or Truman Capote.

Hog Hat: So, you’re a big fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks? Then, show it by wearing a hat so ridiculous that it made Bill Clinton look stupid…

Chef’s Hat: You are a skilled cook and people come from miles around to taste the dishes you create. Why not emphasize this by wearing a hat that makes you look like the bone in a lamb chop?