How to Enjoy Your Pregnancy

Jim Carrey Discusses His Physical Performance in Sonic 2 Exclusive

Your hormones will produce emotions you never knew existed so sit back and experience “rage-glee”.

You’ll enjoy your pregnancy more with recreational drugs but don’t use any substance you wouldn’t want your infant to abuse.

Paint yourself purple, go to a candy factory and ask where the “juicing room” is.

Watch nothing but Alan Rickman movies at high volume so that when your baby is born he will already sound pretentious.

Stop using first person singular entirely. Make everything “we” and “us” as in “We’ll be there at twelve”. When someone mentions how sweet it is that you include the baby already, look them in the eye and say, “Oh, there is no baby”.

Go to a petting-zoo, lie on your back and let the baby goats frolic on your stomach.

Although, I don’t advocate purposely throwing up on anyone, morning sickness might offer a perfect way to let Jim Carrey know how you feel about the second Sonic the Hedgehog movie.

Go to the grocery store and laugh at the women who have to buy tampons.

Start collecting recipes that use human placenta as an ingredient. Yes, that IS a thing despite the fact that most of us don’t want it to be… BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY HOW THE DONNER PARTY GOT STARTED…

Put on your pre-pregnancy clothes and suggest to your spouse that they fit as well as they ever did. When he pauses, demand he tell you the truth about how you look. Try to stretch out the discomfort for at least forty-five minutes. The next day, try to beat that record.



17 thoughts on “How to Enjoy Your Pregnancy

      1. Well, then… I’ll stop work on my essay on haunted sanitary napkins. I even weaved the Ottoman Empire into it… Oh well, I’ll change a few words and make it an essay on The Treaty of Hidalgo…

        Liked by 1 person

    1. My ex didn’t do that when she was pregnant but her “cravings” were always something expensive. Filet Mignon for the first child; and, Carne Adovada for the second. The first child is now a vegetarian. I guess he filled up on meat pre-birth…

      Liked by 2 people

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