Boys: A Listrant

My Three Sons - Nick Knacks Episode #052 - YouTube

I was so glad that I had sons…

Sure, boys (as the poem tells us) are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails… although the proportions and process details are a closely-guarded secret. They are more reluctant to show their emotions so their repressed feelings will come out in other ways… maybe a great novel or painting or a serial stabbing. And, boys are incredibly easy to manipulate… all males are, actually. You can use threats, reverse psychology, mockery or any mind control technique you might be good at. And, there’s the inevitable Oedipus Complex that makes your son your wife’s shadow for at least three years. So, for three years, HE can listen to her ramble on about Virginia Woolf or the Treaty of Trent or her feelings or WHATEVER it is she babbles on about. A boy sees his father as a god right up to when he sees him fall on the ice and just lie there like a sedated tortoise. And, boys use boy-bikes which are structurally more sound, and have a swell bar placed just so any slip from the pedals brings about a painful squashing of his testicles.

Boys pee standing up and most of them can hit the toilet with about thirty percent accuracy; but, as the years go by, that increases to around seventy percent. I’m only a few percentage points under that. After my surgery to add a “penile scope” I’ve been assured that I’ll be at ninety percent, unless the wind happens to be gusting over twenty-five miles an hour. Boys make more noise. This may seem like a bad thing but I can assure you that Toys | Chutes Ladders Game Book Series | Poshmarkwhen you CAN’T hear what your children are doing, you should be alarmed. Maybe they are just quietly playing Chutes and Ladders; but, just as likely one of them has your carpet cutter and is giving the cat a face-lift. Boys have a period where they resent and avoid their fathers… which is GREAT because fathers need some time away from their incessant babbling about Spongebob, Virginia Woolf, the Treaty of Trent, their mother… or WHATEVER it is they talk about. In his son, a father can see all of his bad habits, bigotry and neuroses, but if the boy dresses in dark colors, they are less noticeable and can be ignored.

Mostly, a son is a great way to address all those things a father failed at. Were you a bad athlete? Make your son the greatest athlete of all time using mockery, threats and a handful of steroids in his morning juice. Did you flunk out of engineering school? Then, put him on the track to get a PhD in Engineering through a regimen of intense study, Chinese tutors and his dread of spiders. If your son accomplishes something, essentially, since he came out of you, YOU accomplished it. Ironically, the only failure you can’t rectify by completely dominating your son’s future would be your lifelong bad parenting.

What does your son get out of this relationship? He can look at you and get a pretty fair idea of how he’ll turn out. Maybe heavyset, a little dull… a man who misses the commode ten percent of the time. Not the type of person a child aspires to but an inevitability, like sliding to the lowest point in a parking lot after an ice storm. And, like you, he will get married and one day, he will have children of his own.

And, I hope they’re boys…

20 thoughts on “Boys: A Listrant

    1. And, I miss the days of being my son’s god. I think it ended one day when he asked me a science question and I couldn’t answer it. He seemed stymied and was quiet for a while… and I realized what was going on in his head. I asked, “I’ve never said, ‘I don’t know’ before, have I?” I could see him reevaluate his opinion of me in real time.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. So when my kids asked me a question, any question, whether I knew the answer or not, I asked them where they would look to find the answer. I had one smart aleck that said, “Well, I THOUGHT it was you, but apparently not.” Now you know how I learned the answer to that question because I asked my Dad and he said the same thing. Remember this when YOU have kids.

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  2. I have only daughters, so I can’t speak to your “listrant” — but I can attest that “daddy’s little girl” ranks along with “I love you” as the three most beautiful words in the English language.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m familiar with the “Charlie Barley” paradigm. These days, “Charles” has been discarded completely and “Charlie” reigns supreme.


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