How to Get Rid of a Body

Pet Sematary prequel: Jackson White cast as young Jud Crandall

[Thanks to Deb’s husband for the idea]

Leave it outside of a cadaver warehouse and someone will just assume it fell out of a window somewhere.

Find a construction site where a large cement foundation is being poured and leave the body near the mailbox.

Throw the body into an active volcano. If the person wasn’t a virgin, the volcano gods will react violently, destroying the entire island, but his Magic the Gathering cards make virginity almost a certainty.

Find a school of piranha and pay them fifty dollars to drag the body outside of a cadaver warehouse.

Coat the body in cornmeal and deep fry it.  Leave it on the ground at the state fair and people will think it is a discarded corndog.

Take the body to a Voodoo priestess who will turn it into a zombie.  Warning: If not watched, it WILL vote Republican.

Open a butcher shop and sell a “special” sausage.  With the money from sales of your special sausage, you can afford to pay piranha to drag the body to a cadaver warehouse.

Bury the body in a Pet Sematary so when he rises from the grave, profoundly evil, you can convince him to create his own cryptocurrency.

Mail the body to Santa Claus.  That way, when he’s put on trial for lunacy, the post office will forward his mail to the courtroom and his lawyer will offer, “Eleven bodies, all mailed to Santa Claus and all delivered to this address”.

Leave the body in a massage chair at a spa.  By the time they realize the deep-seated tension is actually rigormortis, you’ll be long gone.

23 thoughts on “How to Get Rid of a Body

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