Cleaning Up Your Dog’s Waste: You follow your dog with a baggie and basically perform the duties of its toilet; on the other hand, your dog reveres YOU as a god. Let’s just say that it’s a pretty twisted relationship all around.
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Oil Change: I always feel like the oil change places do nothing and then give me my car back and charge me as if they have. It wouldn’t be hard to check if someone would just tell me how to open my car’s hood… and how to check my oil.
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Removing a Hair-Clog: I have long hair. My son has long hair. Once a month I get to pull a wad of hair the size of my fist from our bathtub drain. I can’t believe it is just my and my son’s hair because, if it is, we should be walking around bald by now…
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Spaying Your Dog: Castrating your dog? If you do that and believe in Karma, you are in for three lifetimes of bad luck, one of those lifetimes probably as a hookworm or public school teacher. This is why you need to acquire your dog AFTER the surgery so you are off the hook. It isn’t the thought of it; it’s the way the dog just stares at me with a blank expression for HOURS.
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Colonoscopy: Both painful and dehumanizing; but, what makes it worse is when the person keeps asking me, “You ARE a real doctor, right?”
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Disposing of a Glue-Trap: Yeah, it’s a filthy rat that spreads disease so, in a way, it is either him or me; but, being thrown into the trash alive and half-stuck to the trap makes dog castration look benign by comparison. I find myself talking to the dead rat. “If you’d just walked into the mousetrap, we could’ve avoided all of this”, just in case any karmic forces are listening.
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Interacting with a Teenager: Imagine your entire way of speaking stripped of all references, allusions, word-play and substance. That’s what you have to do to talk to teenagers. They have a primitive hieroglyphic language comprised of faces and obscene gestures meant to be read from the screens of phones. I’m not saying that teens are a separate species, but I am suggesting that they are a subspecies. “I told him my best Jean Harlow joke and he just STARED at me”
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Eating Liver: Liver is good for you and you must eat some from time to time or, according to 1960’s science, you will die. What goes best with liver? A dental dam.
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Defending Your Significant Other: It’s expected of you. You may NEVER have to do it unless your mate has a lot of opinions on how stupid the three MMA fighters at the other table look and doesn’t care who hears her. If you don’t step in and fight, she won’t respect you; on the other hand, if you step in and fight and get beaten to a bloody pulp, she won’t respect you.
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Telling Your Kids About Sex: Very unpleasant… and it so disturbed my son that he couldn’t function for a week. It might’ve lasted even longer if he wasn’t thirty. The worst part is trying to remember how sex worked. I think it involved holding onto a metal bar, but I might be remembering the time I went skiing…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Things could be worse: 1) the oil change place can leave the plug out and allow all of your oil to drain out as you drive away (actually done by the local dealership); 2) you could lack enough hair to cause a clog; 3) the doctor could tell you that you’re old enough to never need a colonoscopy again – that the risk of the colonoscopy is greater than the benefit of treating cancer at your age (yep, that’s what I was told after my last one).
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That’s happened with my oil pan and my radiator.
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Your radiator is old enough that it’s not worth treating? If you take it out back and shoot it, that will end things pretty quickly.
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I got my car fixed at a place near where I worked. The mechanic drove my car to my office building… with a big smile on his face… until the geyser of water gushed out all over the hot engine from leaving the cap off…
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I often wonder what dogs think about us scooping up their poop. It can’t be good…
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They feel as if they are giving us a gift…
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My mum gave me a book to explain sex. Luckily I went to high school and one of the girls explained it in about 2 minutes … which is kind of ironic considering that’s how long my interest was in the whole process
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I had a friend explain sex to me. It sounded so IMPOSSIBLE that I assumed she was lying. A year later, my mom explained it to us the exact same way.
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And then you knew your mom was lying too?
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My mother could do a lot of things well, but lying was not among those. Plus, her explaining it took anything erotic out of any mental images I might’ve had…
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My bathroom drain loves hair so much that, now that I’m bald, it asked me to grow a beard.. I said no, but in a few weeks, when Santa comes down the chimney, I’ll try to get him into the bathroom to wash the dirt off his beard. I don’t know if my drain’s reach is long enough to latch onto Santa’s beard, but that’s the best I can do.
Hairy Christmas!
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Remember: The Lord helps those who help the elves… I think. Maybe I misheard.
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