So, You’ve Heard a Scream

You’re sitting a home, reading a book or watching Andy Griffith or something, and you hear a scream coming from outside. If you know what to do and WHEN to do it… well, you’re a better man than I am… But, if you hear a scream:

Check for an opera house next door. Ninety percent of the time, that turns out to be the problem.

Sometimes a person’s laughter will sound like a scream; and, we almost never regret knowing people like that. You can check this easily by opening your window immediately after the scream and yelling out your best joke. If you hear a second scream, it’s either laughter or you told the joke very very wrong…

It could be children playing. If the screams stop by eight o’clock on a school night, that’s probably what it is.

Coyotes thrive in urban and suburban areas. I don’t think their screams can be taken for human, but I just wanted to point that out.

It might just be a publicity stunt for the new Edward Munch biopic.

If it does turn out to be someone being menaced, first turn off all your lights and shut your windows. This should deter even the toughest thug because, if you’re crazy enough to hide in the dark, who KNOWS what you’ll do, next…

If that doesn’t work… HIDE HARDER!

If you still hear screaming, turn down your television and listen. Did the screams get quieter when you turned the volume down? That means the assailant CAN HEAR WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Maybe the screamer is in the throes of sexual frenzy. Check if she’s screaming, “Oh God yes my big dapper horse-face” or whatever normal people scream out during sex.

Otherwise, just rush to where the screaming is and whip out those karate moves you learned as a teenager. Most assailants will confuse that for an epileptic fit and flee for fear you’ll swallow your tongue and die…