The Unsettling Submersion of the Shoe Bill

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write; but, that’s mostly because I’m typing with my nose. I’ve had a lifetime of watching Shoebills as they frolicked about my summer house in Nubia. I’ve raised four of them from fertilized eggs and backed over two others with my car. What follows is everything I’ve learned about them, including phobias and PIN numbers…

The Shoebill (Balaeniceps Rex) is a bird in a class by itself… by which I mean, it is so repulsive that all the other birds dropped that class and probably took Interpersonal Communications 101 instead, partly for the easy ‘A’ and partly to meet members of the football team. It stands around four and a half feet tall; in fact, without the feathers and beak it would be indistinguishable from the average North Korean. But, it’s the Shoebill’s beak that distinguishes it from other water birds.

Balaeniceps Rex gets its name from the fact that its bill is shaped like the toe of a wooden shoe. This could come in in handy because, if it pecks someone to death, the coroner will probably come the conclusion that the person was kicked to death by a Dutchman. B. Rex’s beak has an exposed culmen if that’s your thing. It’s legs and feet are so hideous that scientists theorize the ugliness of the bird somehow condensed and trickled down its legs. It’s wing span is eight feet so if you are having one over PUT YOUR GLASSWARE AWAY.

The shoebill ranges down the Eastern part of Africa where a bird can make something of itself… most likely a pillow or a comforter. Shoebills are largely piscivorous, but I’d imagine you suspected THAT all along. It enjoys lungfish, catfish and water snakes, mostly eating them whole and probably swallowing them while maintaining eye-contact with a horrified viewer. They are actually pretty docile around humans, despite the fact that they look like mobsters who became morticians and then turned into birds.

B Rex might’ve been known to the ancient Egyptians; but, if they were, the Egyptians have kept that to themselves. Ornithologist John Gould described the bird through a skin brought from Africa in the 1850s. After learning that there is usually more bird inside the skin and feathers, they brought an entire bird to London, to study and maybe to throw tennis balls at. Then, came the crap-shoot that is taxonomy…

The shoebill was put into the order Pelecaniformes where it was given its own family and genus. This was because the shoebill didn’t really look like any other Pelican and also because if another species had to share its genus it eventually would leave to take Interpersonal Communications 101. B Rex has no living relatives but it does have a couple of dead ones. Goliathia from 2.3 million years ago reconstructed from an ulna found in an Egyptian paleontological dig. If you can create an entire animal from a single arm-bone, your imagination far outstrips my own…

This species is considered to be one of the five most desirable birds in Africa by birdwatchers especially after they’ve had a few drinks. Shoebills have bred successfully at Pairi Daiza in Belgium and at Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo in Florida. Successful breeding looks the same as unsuccessful breeding except with successful breeding, there’s a gender reveal party. Someone on the internet says a shoebill can push its spine out of its mouth; and, if that’s true, are any of us really safe???

The shoebill is also the subject of a popular meme… but, who isn’t?