You can’t pull your hat over your ears.
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No matter which way you fall asleep, in the morning your head is always facing magnetic north.
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Your friends try to avoid sensitive topics when talking to you… like politics and railroad spikes.
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Your girlfriend tries to say “sartorial splendor” but she pronounces it, “Holy mother of God there’s a spike through your head”…
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You see an email announcing a big party for employees who don’t have railroad spikes through their heads and you notice you aren’t on the list of invitees.
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You can only remember the beginnings and ends of jokes, now.
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You receive transmissions of the Playboy Channel directly into your brain, causing mild headaches and continuous arousal…
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After cutting your hair, your barber has to rush out for a tetanus shot.
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For your last scalp massage they had to use a ball-peen hammer.
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You discover a hand-written note from John Henry which reads, “I’m terribly sorry. This has NEVER happened before”
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Your doctor tells you that you might experience memory issues so you decide to ask your doctor who tells you that you might experience memory issues…
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Twice a week, you have to shake a few dozen refrigerator magnets out of your hair.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
The fridge magnets would be annoying, but think how easy it would be to ride your children on your shoulders now that they have a handle with which to steer.
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My kids used my hair to stay on my shoulders… sometimes my ears… I told them both, “If you start to fall, grab anything but my eyes”
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“Used to”? Does that mean you no longer have any hair to grab?
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Oh yeah!
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“Railroad spike guy” (Phineas Gage) was famous. He should have gotten royalties for all of the neuroscience advancements that came from him. I had a patient who put a nail through his head with a nailgun. He didn’t know it – it ricocheted off the surface he was nailing and went through his cheek, leaving a tiny mark. (It was a 16D or 20D, I forgot which.) I think it was the headaches that finally brought him in a few weeks later. The x-ray was pretty cool. I don’t know if he showed it around at parties since you couldn’t see the nail from the outside.
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I debated using Phineas Gage as my illustration but it just seemed a little mean. But, you’re right, he was exactly who I was thinking of when I started on that list…
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