Finish the Book: A Rant

I will NEVER finish this book…

It’s partially my fault. I saw the words, “Timeless masterpiece” on the back cover and I bought it anyway. Maybe because Oprah recommended it. She spoke glowingly of the book although I was sure I saw here blinking “torture” in Morse code as she did it. What finally convinced me to buy the book? I think it was when I saw the forward was written by Colin Powell… although, I found out that it was NOT the Colin Powell who was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs; in fact, I don’t think this Colin Powell had anything to DO with the Joint Chiefs or was ever chairman of ANYTHING. The forward was written in an informal manner, kind of breezy and fun, although there were several strings of obscenities that I think they could’ve done without…

I should’ve stopped after reading the opening paragraph gave me post-traumatic stress. But, I persevered and continued reading despite the fact that the book was so badly written. I started to resent the book; in fact, my usual fantasy of the Malaysian stewardess with the boxing gloves was replaced by one of the author’s bloody death. Not only that, but I wanted the main character dead, as well… I kept hoping she’d be hit by a train; but, I realized that Tolstoy had tried that in Anna Karenina and she managed to soldier on to the end of the book.

I found myself making deals with me… like I only had to read every other page. It didn’t help. When I looked back at the pages I’d read, it turns out I subconsciously had scrawled “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” up and down all the margins. A psychologist friend decided I didn’t have enough closure and recommended that I burn each page after reading it. It didn’t take long for me to realize that if I’d burned each page BEFORE I read it, I’d avoid a lot of discomfort. None of that mattered, though…

… Because reading the book was such an ordeal that, halfway through it, my karma maxed out… violently, breaking a blood vessel in my eye. So… problem solved!