How to Keep Cool on a Hot Day

[Ways to Beat this Heat Wave]

Construct a crude quilt out of fudgesicles…

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Invite a glacier to stay at your home for the weekend.

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Put a desk fan in your oven, turn it on and then turn the oven down to forty-eight degrees.

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Become best friends with an ice-sculptor.

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Whip up an extra-large unsweetened ice tea and, when no one is looking, climb in.

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Taunt Mr. Freeze. For example: If he’s driving a car, call out, “Nice car, STUPID”; if he’s not in a car, then, “Where’s your car, STUPID?”.

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The jet stream brings cold arctic air from the North. To take advantage of this, force yourself to grow thirty thousand feet taller. Warning: You WILL get the occasional duck in your eye.

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Cold is simply the absence of heat. Just go through your home and collect any heat you might find; then, dispose of it in a metal receptacle or mix it into your dog’s food for a shinier coat.

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Just twelve to forty feet below the surface of the Earth, the temperature stays in the low sixties all year round. Walk down into your basement and then walk twelve to forty feet further. If you see Cerberus, dreaded Three-headed Dog of the Underworld, you’ve gone down too far.

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I hear that smoking a lot of weed will make you feel cooler in hot weather… well, maybe I didn’t hear it, but I feel like smoking a lot of weed and that’s just as good an excuse as any…