How to Write a Fable

Do you want to write fables? Sure! We all do. A good writer of fables can make up to 170,000/year, if he’s also working as a data analyst. And, lets not forget the GROUPIES! I don’t have to tell YOU how improbable THAT is…

Fortunately, with the exception of sovereign citizens, anyone can write a fable. Even Franz Kafka wrote them. No one knows what they meant but scholars assume the moral of each is “once a bi-polar neurotic, always a bi-polar neurotic” or something about pride… fablists HATE pride for some reason. Sure it cometh before the fall but chicks dig the confidence that only false pride can bring. Historians say that Aesop had to beat them off with a stick.

The first thing you need to know is to set your fable a long time ago. Because, it is only a long time ago that the reader might accept a gnat talking to an ox or someone confused enough to approach a lion who has a thorn in its paw. Forget about setting it in the not-too-distant-future because most readers know in their hearts that most animals will be extinct by then. The Boy Who Cried Wolf would’ve ended a lot less tragically.

And, you NEED animals in a fable. It just isn’t the same if every character is human. Would YOU read a story about the guy and the guy… a guy challenges another guy to a footrace and then falls asleep under a tree in the middle of the race. Far-fetched; moreover, you’d probably be concerned that the guy who lost the race might have some form of narcolepsy. But, if you substitute a tortoise for one of the men and a hare for the other, it becomes believable because everyone knows how confident rabbits are. Animals were a big part of life in the olden days, due to the fact that they’d just wander into town or your house or lay down in your bed and not let you use it.

And, at least one animal has to be incredibly stupid or there will be no movement of plot. You know, like a turtle that would make a wager with a bunny on a footrace or a grasshopper that doesn’t plan for winter… although a grasshopper’s lifespan is two months, so most probably don’t get to see winter, anyway. The important part is someone has to learn a lesson. Who better than the chronically stupid? And, this isn’t a new construct. Stupidity is the prime mover in more than half of all literature. Hamlet was an idiot. Ahab was an idiot. And, the main character from Dostoevsky’s The Idiot? Surprisingly, only an epileptic…

Finally, your moral must have some kind of fable rhythm to it. Something like Necessity is the Mother of Invention or Look Before you Leap. DON’T use morals like Don’t be a Moron or Touch Me There Again and I’ll Slit Your Face. In fact, like a mystery, you should work backwards from the moral. Say the moral to the fable is It Takes a Strong Man to Lift a Horse. You have your characters: A man and a horse. It was in the olden days, so the horse could be the man’s accountant or life coach. As far as strength goes, the man would need an excuse to life the horse. Well, he might do it because he’s just stupid or epileptic… see how that would move things along?

A fable should not be longer than a thousand pages or someone might lose track. Remember: A fable becomes a novel when the author starts using italics to show what the characters are thinking. Be vigilant! Because fable groupies won’t be attracted to a novelist, no matter how successful he is or how much alcohol he drinks before noon.

I’m sure there’s a moral in that…