Secrets of Being Male

[My doors are still frozen shut so publishing these sacred secrets of being a man might be the result of low oxygen in my home.]

Most men know nothing about football and when there are no women in the room, we actually talk about quilting, mostly.

All men name their testicles; however, it is forbidden to name one “Conner”. NO ONE KNOWS WHY!!!!

If you tell your husband or boyfriend to “be a man” and do what you told him to do, even the slowest male will notice the irony…

Men are NOT homophobic. It’s just that if we accidentally see a photograph of a penis, our phone rings and a voice tells us we will die in a week.

Most men hate fishing but love falling asleep near a pond with a fishing pole in their laps.

Men are handicapped because we interrupt our own thoughts every forty-five seconds to think of women’s breasts. This quirk was the entire basis for the law suit of Einstein, Hubble, Schrodinger v. Jane Russell, Mamie Van Doren, et al.

Men don’t need to look good as long as we have that perfect angle and distance from which we look like Brad Pitt in the mirror. Sadly, my perfect angle requires a geosynchronous satellite…

It is physically impossible for a man to be lost, due to a geo-locater gland in the male brain that is fueled by testosterone and beef jerky. If the gland malfunctions, the only way to reboot it is to refuse to ask for directions while screaming at your spouse.

If you see a man who has injuries you can’t identify, and you ask what hurts… if he whispers, “Conner”, at least you know his testicles are uninjured…

If a man accidentally sees a photograph of Stephen Miller, his phone will ring and a voice will tell him he will die in a week…