Celebrities I’ll Never Date and Why

Bjork: I don’t mind so much that she attacked a reporter. Most of my aunts have a least taken a swing at one. What would doom us romantically would be that she’s from Iceland and probably keeps the thermostat too low.

Nicole Kidman: She was married to a Scientologist for eleven years. No one leaves a situation like that without deep psychological scars. I ain’t sleepin’ next to THAT…

Michelle Yo: I think the differences in culture and background would keep us from ever having an effective marriage or romance; but, mostly because I suspect she could kick my butt pretty easily.

Lady Gaga: Nice voice… intelligent… seems perfect, EXCEPT I saw her attending a gala while wearing a dress made out of raw meat. If I was her boyfriend, she’d probably want to drive to the party using MY car instead of bloodying her own upholstery…

Shakira: Sure, she’s pretty, bilingual and has a great voice; but, I suspect she spends gargantuan amounts of money on pedicures. Once her money runs out, I can’t imagine my income supporting her in the style to which she’s accustomed. Not only that but, she’d probably force me to watch the World Cup.

Bethany Hughes: Seems a relationship with an historian would have a lot of advantages over other careers… like flagpole-sitter or arsonist; but, she seems like someone who might have a cruel streak, like most British women. The one I was involved with mocked my love-making efforts publicly… in an editorial in the New York Times.

Eleanor of Aquitaine: Besides the difference in our ages (eight hundred years) and the fact that her kids tended to overspend on crusades and ransoms, she didn’t believe in a heliocentric model of the Earth. She blurts out, “No, the Sun travels around the Earth” at a party and you spend the entire evening telling everyone, “I’m pretty sure she was kidding”…

Shena, Killer of Wolves and Destroyer of Armies: Don’t get me wrong, I can see the plus side to having a destroyer of armies as a girlfriend; but, I’m not going to spend the entirety of each weekend trying to figure out how I’m going to get rid of all the wolf corpses…

Amy Lee: She has a terrific voice. Plus, I see the advantages to having a relationship with a creative artist. Unfortunately, she’s one of those pop stars that goes barefoot a lot; and, I’m not really up to driving her to urgent-care every time she steps on a rusty nail.

Toni Morrison: Let me give you the scenario: I’m entertaining party-goers with my story of how I found a quarter in a pile of leaves. The small crowd is mesmerized. But, then my date, Ms. Morrison, is asked, “How’s your new book coming?” and she proceeds to talk about it… for a very long time. After a while, I give up, go to the backyard and start bagging the dead wolves left over from my ill-fated time with Shena.