I Haven’t Got a Random Thought No Matter Where I Sought

My grandmother didn’t have a birth certificate; so, when she told me that she was standing right in front of me, I had to take her word for it…

There are so many pharmaceutical drugs out there, they are giving them nonsense names like “Liponazazz” and “Trilohope”. Whenever I see one of their commercials, my first thought is that my television is having a stroke…

Currently, we are in an undeclared war with the country of Iran. I yearn for better days like when I was a teenager and we were in an undeclared war with Iran AND we could watch Hong Kong Phooey Saturday mornings.

Recently, I found out that both of my siblings have had the same symptoms of narcolepsy that I do. It was disappointing because, a few days ago, I decided that I’m falling asleep because I’m too cool to be bothered… then, I realized I’d only DREAMED I was too cool to be bothered, woke up and pulled through the intersection before the light turned red.

If you were in a sitcom in the seventies and a character bought something expensive, Jewish and Italian characters were required to respond with “I coulda gotten it for you, wholesale” or “I know a guy”. Swedes and dogs remained unchanged with expected responses of “ja” and “woof” respectively.

Ironically, one sure-fire way to eat until you don’t want anymore is to be an anorexic.

A book about Finnegan’s Wake is invariably more interesting than Finnegan’s Wake.

I had sex with a virgin once; in fact, once is the maximum number of times you can have sex with a virgin…

My doctor has given up measuring my belly in inches and has switched to measuring it in trimesters.

My ex got a restraining order against me. I wasn’t allowed within twelve thousand miles of her, so I had to live in a garage apartment on the Moon.

I don’t like nose rings. I know I should be thinking “non-conformist” and “free-spirit” when I see someone wearing one, but all I can think of is Ferdinand the Bull…

I was watching a show about poverty and drug use in Philadelphia. I had to sit through multiple commercials on expensive dog food and health insurance for pets. Is this ironic or just sad as hell?

It’s sad that most products you can buy are developed “cruelty free”, now; because fois gras and veal can’t bear the brunt forever…

Some people just want to keep making the world a better place; whereas, I thought it was perfect after they’d invented seedless watermelon…

It’s important that I remember to use the term “eating” instead of “reverse vomiting”…