Some Bland Facts about Tofu

Tofu may reduce the risk of cancer. It might also bring you gold bars and unicorns while you sleep. Women who are going through menopause should eat tofu because the drudgery of eating it is a great thing to blame your wild moods swings upon. Freezing tofu turns it yellow. It is still good to […]

Answers to My Children’s Dumb Questions

“Daddy, where do babies come from?” – “Mostly China and India… but, I hear Indonesia is catching up” “What does my penis do?” – “Your penis functions as a de facto brain from your thirteenth birthday until you are forty” “Daddy, why is the sky blue?” – “Really? You see blue? I see it as […]

How to Avoid Ruining Your Life by Making a Racist Rant in Public

1. Don’t have a racist rant in public. 2. Try to avoid having any friends who might identify you to the press after the video hits Youtube. Fortunately, as a racist with no impulse control, you probably have few friends. 3. Pretend that you were misheard. Example: “I didn’t say Trump would kill all Asians… […]

What Does Freedom Mean to Me?

Freedom is the ability to buy firearms regardless of my race, creed or paranoid schizophrenia. Freedom is being treated fairly by the law regardless of whether I am white or slightly whiter than that. Freedom is being able to work at a job without being fired for my gender, religion; or, if my last name […]

To My Twitter Political Debate Opponents

Your side wants the death penalty; my side wants it abolished. Change the law so that, instead of being executed, criminals are just really badly beaten. Yes, I know you said you had sex with my mother for a dollar; but, my mother is in her seventies and doesn’t need the money (unless she’s been […]