How a Pirate is Better than a Handball

⇒A pirate sails the wide-open seas… a world with no boundaries… horizon as far as the eye can see. A handball lives in a can. ⇒You can slam a handball into a wall thousands of times; whereas, a pirate would object after hitting the wall only twice. ⇒Pirates had a code… rules they had to […]

Why Roll-on Deodorant is the Best (or, Why I Need to Stop Getting List Ideas in the Bathroom)

1: Roll-on deodorant adds to your total time spent performing arm-pit massage. 2: Spray deodorant makes a hissing noise. Roll-on deodorant is silent so as not to wake up your toilet… 3: Roll-on deodorant can be unscrewed from its container and, in a pinch, be used as a bright green decoration on a birthday cake. […]

Animals Whose Balls You Can Cut Off

Sheep: A castrated sheep is called a “wether” which must be a Welsh term for “mutilated”. A wether starts off as a kid wandering around, minding his own business (whatever THAT might be). Suddenly, a farmer grabs him and slices his balls off. Reason? It makes the sheep healthier. I can agree with that because, […]

Types of Art that Should Have Never Been, Part the First

Pointillism Have you ever wanted the world to look more like a test for color-blindness? You know, the irregular dots of color in which you can detect a number or letter UNLESS God had cursed you with color-blindness. Remember the anxiety the first time you saw one? You were pretty sure you DIDN’T have […]

St Osgyth and Her Terrible Horrible No-good Very Bad Life

You know, if we’re all alive next October seventh, it would be the perfect time to celebrate the Feast of St Osgyth. Osgyth was the daughter of seventh century minor ruler, Frithuwold of Surrey. Historians doubt that Frithuwold ever actually ruled Surrey; but, if you just yelled out, “Hey Frithuwold!”, half the people in the […]