To Whom It May Concern:
I have been considering working in the genre of erotic fiction for some time now. Lately, it has become even more imperative that I “branch out” so to speak because my current employment appears to be on shaky ground. There are cut-backs, the economy is bad and, every so often, my supervisor will walk by with someone I don’t know and say, “This is where you’ll be sitting”.
My greatest stumbling block to writing a sex novel was NOT the sex. I’ve certainly seen enough of it on videotape and the internet to describe it literally. My problem was that I couldn’t figure out what to give the characters to do BETWEEN sexual encounters. To be perfectly honest, with the ungodly number of sexual acts each character performs, I could only imagine them lying on a sofa, holding an ice pack to their groins. I think that I’ve got a solution to this problem: A friend told me to picture each character in his or her underwear.
My other problem required a more elaborate solution. You see, I don’t like to describe genitalia. In my opinion, the vagina looks like a hairy open sore and the penis has always reminded me of former president Gerald Ford. Most of your writers seem, not only to be able to spend paragraphs describing the most private part of a person’s body, but also to LOVE the genitalia. It’s as if a penis pulled the author into a foxhole just before the mortar shell hit; or, perhaps the author once saw a vagina rush into a burning home to save a small child. Although I can not offer such descriptions, I’m certain that you have writers on staff who can. If not, a co-worker has assured me that he can do it…and will, provided I help him cut the lower branches off of an elm tree in his backyard. I’ve seen samples of his work and am satisfied that he is capable of enhancing my novel.
But, what’s a query letter without a story idea? I’ve decided, since I probably can not compete with most of the pornographers out there, to become a niche writer; however, instead of a since fetish, I have selected two. I call my novel, “Pony-girl Amputee Gets Rough” (originally, I was going to combine THREE fetishes with “Pony-girl Amputee in Bondage”; however, the difficulties involved with amputee-bondage were too daunting…Perhaps a sequel?).
The main character is a pony-girl named Hester. Hester is never happier than when she is bridled and saddled. Her husband, Daniel, is an engineer, who’s idea of an active sex life is intercourse on a ferris wheel. Much of the book involves Hester desperately waiting for the carnival to come to town. While waiting, she meets Ralph, a UPS delivery man with a banjo grafted to his back; and, Lois, a large-breasted, wide hipped Puerto Rican woman with a tattoo of a bottle of cream rinse on her left thigh.
The story will be presented as follows:
Chapter One: Hester is at a pony-girl orgy. Being a pony-girl is difficult for a double amputee because she must keep it a secret from her husband AND she keeps falling onto her side. Despite her handicap, Hester manages to climax eleven times just on the trip from her car to the front door. When Hester’s tail falls off, Ralph is there with a squeeze-bottle of epoxy. The party is cut short prematurely, when someone wonders aloud why there isn’t any fresh orange juice.
Chapter Two: Here is where the reader finds that Hester is married. Her husband, Daniel, does not condone ponyism, and becomes suspicious when he finds a saddle in the coat closet. To allay his suspicions, Hester makes a stir-fry out of it. Daniel becomes gradually less suspicious; however, he can not shake the feeling that there are too many bags of oats and boxes of sugar cubes in his house. This entire chapter is done while Hester is having sex with Daniel; consequently, Daniel gets a nasty burn on his back while Hester is stir-frying the saddle.
Chapter Three: Daniel meets Lois in the emergency room. She is there to have her one of her toes extended so that she can weed her garden without crouching. They soon have a sexual encounter on top of a woman in a diabetic coma. Daniel begins to wonder if he had chosen poorly after he witnesses Lois eating the woman’s jello.
Meanwhile, Ralph delivers another package to Hester and has sex with her. To see Ralph everyday, Hester orders extensively from the Levenger catalog. After her encounter with Ralph, she stares at the ceiling wondering how long their affair can last and what will she do with the hundreds of fountain pens she has stashed in the linen closet.
Chapter Four: Flash back to when Hester is thirteen. She accidentally witnesses her mother having intercourse with the boy who delivered their phone book. She tries to run away, but, they have rolled off of the bed and are blocking the door. Both mother and daughter climax seven times; however, Hester wins with a 9.8 due to the fact that, with a three and a half somersault, her degree of difficulty was greater.
The story goes up a few years to when Hester was eighteen. She has an accident on the highway. This is further complicated by the fact that she was not in a car when it happened. They rush her to the hospital and amputate an arm and a leg. She suspects that the amputation was unnecessary when they give her the choice of which two limbs to remove. When she returns to complain, she finds that the doctor has changed his name and grown his sideburns really long. They have sex. She climaxes.
When she wakes up, Hester finds that she has killed Ralph in her sleep, apparently with a pair of bronze bookends that she kept on her nightstand. Grief-stricken, she has sex with him one more time, then puts the body where no one will find it for awhile: The third row of a theater premiering a Sylvester Stallone movie.
Chapter Five: Daniel guiltily offers to take Hester on his next business trip…to Singapore. Because they are only going to be there for a few days, Hester just packs the essentials: A few outfits and her favorite saddle. Before they leave, she orders a few more fountain pens to be delivered to her hotel. Daniel and Hester have sex in the cab on the way to the airport and twice more on the baggage carousel.
By the time the plane takes off, Lois has gotten into the cockpit and convinced the pilots that she could be used as a floatation device. She has sex with the pilots. Wandering, naked and dazed, down the center aisle of the plane, she finds Daniel and begs him to run away with her. He spurns her. Her humiliation complete, she pelts the flight attendants with packs of honey-roasted peanuts, then locks herself in the bathroom.
Chapter Six: Hester, unable to wait for her husband to return from his work, consults her Pony-girl International Directory for the nearest pony-girl club. Of the three that are in the hotel, she chooses the one with the full-page color ad. Although she has brought her own saddle, she has to settle for a loaned bridle. While getting her passions filled, she meets a pony-boy. She is aghast: It is like looking in a mirror; however, when she waves her hand and he doesn’t, she realizes that it isn’t a mirror; then, she falls down.
Meanwhile, her husband comes back to their room to find Ralph, trying to write a note to Hester, using one of her fountain pens. He is covered in ink. Daniel convinces Ralph to use their shower. They have sex. Hester comes back to find them in bed together. She is so shocked and horrified that she can barely climax.
Chapter Seven: A few weeks later. Lois has joined the Marines and finished basic training in less than a week. She is promoted to second lieutenant; then, she masturbates. She vows to revenge herself upon Daniel.
Meanwhile, like Madonna’s front teeth, Daniel and Hester have grown apart. Hester still has her saddles and bridles; however, after eating twelve pounds of prunes, she feels strangely empty. Daniel, to fight the loneliness, throws himself into his work; two weeks a year, he throws himself into his vacation. Both have a series of meaningless sexual encounters. To make them even MORE meaningless, I’ll use several made-up words (“Clarsteria”, “hammerbank” and “yoffic” for example).
The chapter ends when Daniel wakes up at night and finds that Lois has broken into his apartment and left a handful of dried spaghetti on the pillow next to his.
Chapter Eight: Somehow, Daniel ends up in a pony-girl club. Either by a misread address or being dropped from an airplane, I’m not sure. The sight of naked women on all fours with saddles on their back is strangely arousing to him. He has sex with an appaloosa who turns out to be the hand-model for the Lady Remington. Suddenly, he realizes that ponyism is a viable sexual fetish. It is just the thing to enhance the sex life of himself and Hester; moreover, when his car is in the shop, he can ride her to work. He rushes to his old home to tell her.
But, instead of Hester, he finds Hester’s sister. She informs Daniel that Hester is so depressed she has gone to take her own life. How will she do it? By sex, naturally! He tries to have sex with Hester’s sister before he leaves, but finds that he can not perform. As he drives away, he wonders if it is because he loves Hester, or the fact that Hester’s sister was wearing a vest made out of cow dung.
Chapter Nine: Hester has chosen to die in the manner of the pony girl. Sex until she dies, followed by processing into dog food. This chapter is horrifyingly graphic. With partner after partner, she endures the agony of a pony-girl death. At the point where the very next partner will perform the sexual act that will kill her, Daniel rushes in and slaps the man’s penis away before it can insert itself. Daniel then has sex with the man.
Hester, realizing that her husband has taken a penis for her, falls into his arms, partly because she realizes that she loves him and partly because it is hard to stand up with a saddle strapped to your back with only one leg. They leave together.
Chapter Ten: Opens with sex at a pony-girl club, only this time, Daniel is the one having sex with Hester. After they go home, it is revealed that it is their anniversary. He gives his wife a new bridle. She gives her husband a fountain pen. Lois and Ralph have sex somewhere…
So, that’s it! I figure about sixty thousand words in all. On your approval I’ll begin. I
think that I’ll work under the pen name of Vagina McCock, if it isn’t already taken.