Tips for Performing an Exorcism

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1. Nothing is more embarrassing than chanting, “The power of Christ compels you” and then finding out that, in this case, it doesn’t.
2. When the demon raises the bed three feet above the floor, check under the bed. Sometimes the reason for a demonic possession is simply a lost bedroom slipper.
3. When the possessing demon reveals his identity, WRITE IT DOWN. If you forget his name and start using “you” or “hey guy” during the exorcism, it looks sloppy and hurts feelings.
4. If you forget part of your incantation, just fake it. It’s Latin so who’ll know?
5. Keep a chiropractor handy. That whole “head turning 360 degrees” thing looks effortless, but there is often a lot of ligament damage.
6. Bring an extra shirt and pair of pants. You’ll know why when it happens.
7. It’s okay to slap or shake the possessed subject during the process. Shooting her in the head is way over the top.
8. A demon can be thousands of years old so keep the Taylor Swift references to a minimum.
9. Sometimes a demon possesses someone just to get out of the torments of Hell for a little while. Try to make it so uncomfortable that Hell doesn’t seem so bad. Force it to watch an episode of The Good Wife
10. NEVER send the subject to a mental health professional or all involved might find out what bullshit the whole concept of demonic possession is…

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