The White House Answers Questions about the Coronavirus

First, how did the virus originate? Well, I hear… I hear people saying that the virus is from China and from birds or bats or something. If China had signed that trade agreement earlier, they wouldn’t have this problem. Why is that? Well, as you know, Nancy Pelosi… or “Crazy Nancy” I call her… sometimes […]

Before Sex We Should…

This one is from a Twitter tag. Before Sex We Should… Make sure our parents aren’t siblings. Strictly define what the word “orgasm” means. Warn each other about anything grotesque about our bodies… Exchange next-of-kin information Come clean about any fetishes either of us has involving barbecue sauce or throwing knives. Be certain neither […]

Service Animals, Their Dangers and Functions

Back when I was a kid, there were only seeing-eye dogs. That is to say, if you were a dog and wanted a career path that didn’t involve you bouncing around like an idiot, then you would become a seeing-eye dog. They don’t call them that much anymore. Now, they are “guide dogs” because the […]

I’m So So Sorry

I’m sorry I hypnotized your dog into thinking she was a squirrel, but at least you’ve got all the acorns you’ll ever need. I’m sorry I bought you a treadmill without asking first. I’m also sorry about what I said about your butt, its size and what it looks like when you bend over. I’m […]

What if Trump Wins: Scenario #8

Using a fleet of Cray computers plus a Commodore Playstation that my father bought me as a child, I have calculated the sequence of events should Donald Trump be reelected. And, like building a mailbox out of beeswax and horse dung, the result is not pretty… November 03, 2020: Donald Trump wins second term […]